Cars and the Man



Dramatis Personae




Cathy Petkoff---his wife  




Bluntly----used-car salesman  


Sergio----law intern/ Snowas fiance   


Louise----Snowas cousin  


Nick-----Petkoffs servant 


Ward Cleaver---neighborhood watch guy 



Act 1 Snowas bedroom. Scene begins in darkness.


[loud noise]


Snowa-- Wh-What! Whos there?   [turns on light]


Bluntly-- Oh! Excuse me. I [1]seem to have fallen in through your window. Shh! Theyre looking for me.


Sn-- Dont Shh me! You must be some sorta pervert, but I can protect myself. [She pulls out a huge black dildo from her bedstand.]


Bl-- My God, whats that?


Sn-- Its my night-stick.


Bl-- But thats a... Um, you dont know what it is?


Sn-- Of course, its a night-stick, and it beats men who come in my room!


Bl-- What my father wouldnt give for a salesman like you!


Sn-- But Im a girl. [She pulls her covers away, revealing large breasts.



Bl-- [blown away]  Im pleased to make your acquaintits, I mean tance, acquaintance.


Sn-- Whos looking?


Bl-- [pulling his eyes up from her breasts] Not me!


Sn-- Whos looking for you?


Bl-- Well, I see for myself, but I swear I wasnt looking. [he looks]


Sn-- Something got you up here.


Bl-- [hands in front of pants] How embarrassing!


Sn-- [noticing a cut on his hand] Did you hurt yourself? Let me see it.



     Conversation continues between Snowa and Bluntly. She has him remove his shirt to examine his wounds. We find that he had gone from the city out to the suburbs to search for his long-lost brother, who lives somewhere in the subdivision. All the cul-de-sacs and curving roads confused Bluntly, and he ended up going door to door to find the address of his twin brother, who has the exact same birthmark on his chest. The people in the subdivision mistook Bluntly for a Jehova

s Witness and began chasing him. Then he ran across some lawns, and was soon being chased by the entire neighborhood.  The scene c



Nick-- You rang, Miss?


Snowa-- No, I didnt ring, Nick.


Bluntly-- Who the devil is that? [he puts his shirt back on]


Sn-- Just the rich and powerful neighbors kid; thinks hes the butler. [to Bluntly]  Hes a bit slow.


Bl-- Did he hear us talking?


Sn-- Probably. He likes to listen to me through the door.


Bl-- Will he expose us?


Nick-- I brought your seat-cushion, Miss. [Nick presents her with a can of baked beans]


Sn-- Does that answer your question?


Nick-- Goodnight, Miss Snowa; Mr. Sergio. [Nick leaves]


Bl-- But Im... oh, forget it. [to Snowa] My names Bluntly.


[enter Cathy]


Cathy-- [looking at dildo] Hey! Thats my [looks at Snowa]......[turning to beans]... can of baked beans. Whos the young man?


     The situation is explained to Cathy Petkoff. Eventually, Ward Cleaver, the neighborhood watch guy comes up, introduced as The King of Spain by Nick. Bluntly is hurried under the covers with Snowa, and Ward searches through the room for the murderous quasi-Jehovas Witness Arab spy.

Waan eye-sore of a lawn ornament, best to be left inside. Ward leaves, and Cathy sees him out. Nick presents Ward with his coat and hat, which is really a banana and a roll of paper towels.



     Snowa and Bluntly continue their conversation in bed, and she mentions   their computer room quite often, a mark of importance. He talks about some guy who bought a car from him. The guy had requested all the extras on a brand-new car-- CD player, premium tires and rims, gold trim, etc. He explains how much the guy could have saved buying used and adding his own extras. She knows that her fiance, Sergio, had bought a car that very day, and she shows Bluntly his picture, which is confirmed as the guy. Cathy comes back, and Bluntly is hurried out of the house, wearing Mr. Petkoffs long rain coat as a disguise.






Act 2   Computer room in Petkoff house. Louise seated at computer next to Snowa.


     The two girls discuss the events of the night before, tho



     Snowa returns just as Louise is taking Sergio into the bedroom 2


 to show him her new swimsuit. Snowa is left in the computer room alone. Enter Nick.


Nick-- Miss. Mr. Sergio is here to see you.


Snowa-- No, Sergio is in that room with my faithful cousin.


Nick-- The Miss is mistaken.


Sn-- What do you know of it?


Nick-- He has come for you.


Sn-- Yes, but hes in there with that tramp right now.


Nick-- He has a rain



Sn-- He had better, if hes going to bang her.


Nick-- Shall I show him up?


Sn-- If only you could, Nick.


Nick-- Yesm. [exit Nick]


Sn-- [to audience] If you had any remnants of attention-spans, Id soliloquize something right now, but I see women yawning and men staring at my breasts, so... [enter Nick and Bluntly]


Nick-- Mr. Sergio, Miss.


Bl-- He insists on calling me Sergio, poor chap.


Sn-- Oh, Bluntly! Have you come back for me so soon?


Bl-- Well, yes, I suppose, in order to return your fathers coat. [Nick takes coat into bedroom 3]


     Snowa and Bluntly say a few words before Petkoff shows up with his wife. Snowa hears them coming and pulls Bluntly into her bedroom with her. Petkoff is looking for his coat, and his wife doesn

t know where it coul



Sn-- Did you like the present I gave you?


Bl-- Just now?


Sn-- In the coat, silly.


Bl-- In the coat?


Sn-- You mean you didnt get the night-stick and my picture from the inside pocket? I sent a note, too. And now my father will get a note addressed to My Penetrating Friend.


Bl-- And a night-stick! Oh my!


Sn-- Shh! Theyre coming again! Ill take care of everything. [exit Bluntly to Snowas bedroom]


     The Petkoffs return with Petkoff wearing the coat. Nick follows the two. Petkoff asks Snowa where her fiance is and she points to bedroom 2. Sergio and Louise emerge on cue, Louises hair in disarray.


Sn-- Youve got some on your face, Louise.


Lo-- [nervous] Oh! What? [wipes around her mouth vigorously]


Sn-- No, by your eye. Its mascara, I think. How did Sergio like your fish?


Lo-- [horrified] My what!


Sn-- The cute little fishies on your swimsuit.


Sergio-- They were wonderfully edible. [Louise sighs]


Sn-- Oh! My Sergios a great sport-fisherman. He knows how to catch and release without letting his worm get bitten.


     Petkoff feels something odd (in his coat) during the conversation, and suddenly pulls out the dildo as Snowa is saying worm get bitten.

He dr



Petkoff-- My God!


Sn-- What is it, father?


Pet-- Why its your mothers [looks at Snowa].... um, well... cordless phone. How did it get into my coat, Catherine?


Cat-- Youre expecting a call?


Pet-- Yes, of course. The used-car salesman from yesterday was going to call me about a brand new... [enter Bluntly]


Nick-- May I present Mr. Sergio.


Sergio-- But I am Mr. Sergio!


Nick-- You are both Mr. Sergio, underneath.


Pet--[holding dildo like a trophy] Thats sweet! Nick sees us all as brothers.


Lo-- What IS that thing? It looks like my...[looks at Snowa]... remote control.


Cathy-- You better believe it! I like fast-forward the best!


Pet-- [to Bluntly] Why were you in my innocent daughters room, Sir?


Nick-- He was looking for Mr. Sergio.


Sn-- You call THAT Mr. Sergio, too?



Nick-- [voice becomes that of an English aristocrat as he steps onto chair] By jeebs, I daresay you are all a bit lacking in intellect. This Mr. Sergio, or Bluntly, is one in the same with his twin brother, Mr. Sergio. One I saw last night while disrobed in the chamber of Miss Snowa. The other I did see while lacking his garments with both Miss Snowa and Miss Louise, not to mention the fortnight he spent frolicking about Mrs. Cathys room. They are not identical twins, to be sure, but twins all the same. They both have identical birthmarks. And by all means, call the dildo a dildo, though Mrs. Cathy has named it Rico,  Miss Louise refers to it as Sergio, and Miss Snowa calls the well-used limb T-Bone. [everyone looks at each other in disbelief]


Bl-- [to Sergio] Were brothers! I always say bros before hos, man, so Ill leave the ball in your court.


Ser-- We ARE all brothers, like Nick said. With that in mind, bro, gimme a high-5. I mean, I bagged the



Bl-- Right on, dude! All I got was some cheap feels with Snowa in bed last night, and a hand-job just now, but I thought she was some kinda virgin.[to Snowa] Right, moan cherry . [Snowa blushes and giggles]


Ser-- Not quite, dude, but Ill leave whats left of her for you, if you lay off this hunny bunny right here. [points to Louise]


Bl-- Its a deal, bro! [they shake hands; Sergio and Louise to bedroom 2, Bluntly and Snowa to her bedroom]


Pet-- Boys will be boys! I guess our little girl has grown up, honey. Lets say you, me, and Rico have a little fun!


Cat-- Im wide open to that! [exit Petkoff and Cathy]


Nick-- [to audience] And you wonder why I pretend to be goofy! [peeps from keyhole to keyhole as curtain drops]















Comedic Features and Elements of Cars and the Man



comedic Atmosphere


social-- young vs. old; male vs. female


local-- crazy comedic places = Snowas bedroom/ computer room


topical-- poking fun at curr



rebellious-- sexual freedom for all


playful-- sex is fun


urbane-- city vs. suburbs theme/ city guy is new society


indulgent-- to the max


festive-- ends in mega-coupling



comedic action


opener and exposition/ development -- Snowa and Bluntly meet; some counter via rival (picture) and Ward Cleaver.


low point-- return of fiance (Sergio)


crisis-- Nick takes over


revelations and resolution-- the truth is revealed and everyone goes to bed happy



comedic characters      Old society


foolish old man-- Petkoff


foolish old woman/ shrewish wife-- Cathy


rival-- Sergio


temptress-- Louise


Miles Gloriosus-- Sergio


lawyers-- Petkoff; Sergio


businessman--  Bluntly


keystone kop-- Ward Cleaver


                                                       new society


sought-for-- Snowa/       Sergio /         Sergio


suitor-- Bluntly/            Louise /         Bluntly


confidant-- Cathy; Louise


tricky servant-- N



tricksters-- Nick; Louise


deus ex machina-- Nick, though we think early itll be Bluntlys father


Big comic prop-- big black dildo



   This is a realistic comedy. It is both a New Comedy and an Ironic Comedy. The brothers couple, as do Bluntly and Snowa, but the irony lies in the fact that much coupling had already taken place within the old society. The old society really lets the new society join in, so both new and old emerge victorious, as a new old society. The dialogue is full of cross talk, and I added some double entendres, most of which refer to sex. Acquaintits was a blend. Nick becoming an English aristocrat and jumping on the chair was a coup de theatre. The dramatic illusion is broken when Snowa and Nick talk to the audience. Everyone gets on stage near the end in a parade of fools. Moan cherry is malapropism, supposed to be ma (mon) cherie.  Nick becomes the messenger without a message early in Act II. If you found other stuff, it was put there on purpose.