Eighth Grade Ends –

The World Probably Doesn’t

By Brian Jaeger & Casey Palbicki

 

To read the whole screenplay, please follow the link

Eighth Grade Ends - The World Probably Doesn't

 

Opening credits. Two eighth grade boys are walking on paper route in a residential neighborhood as snow lightly falls. CASEY is a slightly built, above average height, energetic boy with brown hair. He is wearing a fall coat and a baseball cap. BRIAN is about the same height and a little heavier, sporting two newspaper bags full of papers and also wearing a coat. Both of them have some mild acne—just a precursor to their pus-filled high school years.

A semi-vicious beagle comes charging out from one of the yards and is stopped by its chain. The two boys, gyrating wildly, tease the dog. The boys walk across in front of a “Stay off the Lawn” sign. A MIDDLE-AGED MAN who is putting up Christmas lights waves to the two young men. A nativity scene with Frosty, Santa, and Rudolph paying homage to the Messiah sits in front of the homeowner’s house.

Brian delivers a paper to a door as Casey looks through the mailbox, grabbing a skin mag. The two receive hot cocoa at the next house from an OLD LADY, and Casey pages through the magazine as he enjoys the drink. They continue to deliver to some more houses as the opening credits end.

Casey is looking at the centerfold.

 

                    CASEY

You know, this girl’s hot, but she’s nothing compared to Rachel.

 

                    BRIAN

At least you get to see that girl naked. You know, there are plenty of other chicks. How long do I have to keep hearing about Rachel?

 

                    CASEY

Hey, I’ve liked a lot of other girls.

 

BRIAN (cynically)

Yeah, who?

 

Scene of kindergarten class, a few kids finger painting, and a little kid wearing the same outfit as Casey. He is next to a cute pudgy girl. They are happily finger painting together.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

There was Heidi Klauser. First day of kindergarten. She stole my heart at the arts and crafts table. She was such a cute one, but then I stopped liking pudgy girls.

 

                    BRIAN V.O.

Isn’t she a lesbian now?

 

                    CASEY V.O.

Hey, she was probably a lesbian then…

 

A little Casey is talking to FAITH, trying to lure her into bushes, and she agrees.

   

                    CASEY V.O.

And then there was the girl I used to play doctor with before she moved away. I think her name was Faith…

 

Casey in the fourth grade during a school church service, watching KATIE O’BRIEN dig up her nose, pull out a stringer, and slurp it up in her mouth.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

In third grade I liked Katie O’Brien. Until fourth grade, during a Wednesday church service. That was when I discovered she had a nasty little habit. It’s one thing to pick your nose, but she sucked that thing in like a spaghetti noodle.

 

Fifth grade Casey is looking at RACHEL as she boards the bus. He is obviously enchanted, ending the conversation with a black child, who waves a hand in front of Casey to get his attention.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

Then Rachel came to my grade school. I first met her on a bus during a field trip to the performing arts center. All the guys were drooling over her because she shaved her legs and wore a bra, but to me, she meant so much more than that. I did whatever I could do to get close to her.

 

STUDENT COUNCIL TEACHER points at door and Casey leaves.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

I joined student council, but I eventually got kicked out.

 

CHOIR TEACHER pointing to the door and Casey leaves.

                              CASEY V.O.

I joined the chorus, but I got kicked out.

 

SMART KIDS TEACHER, once again, pointing to the door and Casey leaving.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

I studied hard and even got into the smart kid classes, but I eventually got the boot.

 

CASEY’S GRANDPARENTS pointing to the door and Casey leaving.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

Once I realized she lived close to my grandparents, I started hanging out over there, but even they eventually wanted me to leave.

 

                    BRIAN

Where in the hell is this going? Are you gonna help me with my route or what?

 

                    CASEY

Hey man, this is eighth grade; it’s now or never!

 

                    BRIAN

You’ve got plenty of time: high school, maybe college. By the way, how’d you get kicked out of chorus?

 

                    CASEY

I changed some of the words to “What do You do With a Drunken Sailor?”

 

                    BRIAN

What was your class singing that song for in the first place?

 

                    CASEY

That’s a good question.

 

                    BRIAN

Well, what do you do with a drunken sailor?

 

                    CASEY

Beats the shit out of me.

 

                    BRIAN

You should just ask her out. Following her around and talking to me about it won’t get you anywhere.

 

                    CASEY

I got some plans in the works. I predict that I’ll be going with her to the Holiday Dance.

 

                    BRIAN

And I totally predict that you are full of shit.

 

                    CASEY

Well, I heard from Lesley and Missy that Rachel likes me.

 

                    BRIAN

Now that’s who you should be asking to the dance.

 

                    CASEY

Missy?

 

                    BRIAN

Missy’s kinda cute, but Lesley… she’s Playboy material.

 

                    CASEY

She is a close second to Rachel.

 

                    BRIAN

You’re an idiot! If you weren’t my friend, I’d punch you in the face.

 

                    CASEY

C’mon, man, her boyfriend’s a sophomore.

 

                    BRIAN

Yeah, that dickhead Brett.

 

                    CASEY

Well, I hear he’s hittin for the cycle.

 

                    BRIAN

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

                    CASEY

You know, getting some major work.

 

                    BRIAN

He’s an ass.

 

                    CASEY

And coincidentally enough there he goes, on his way to her house.

 

BRETT drives by in his SUV. Brian and Casey stop and watch him. Brian reaches into paper bag and realizes he is short two papers.

 

                    BRIAN

Stupid stoners! They shorted me two papers. We gotta run back up to the station.



INT. PAPER STATION — LATE AFTERNOON, EARLY DECEMBER

 

Brian and Casey walk back to paper station and walk in. There is an atmosphere of smoke, heavy metal music, steel tables, brown painted concrete block walls, bulletin boards with messages, Sunday ads stacked along two of the walls, a cubicle office area separated by a steel table, etc. Three stoners, wearing ripped, dirty jeans and various heavy metal band t-shirts are assembling newspapers. CHRIS is wearing a black baseball cap. RICK has a goatee. DEAN is smoking one cigarette and also has one resting above his ear.

Brian walks over to manager’s desk, and Chris addresses both Brian and Casey. MANAGER looks a little like Captain Lou Albano.

 

                    CHRIS

Homos!

 

Brian ignores Chris’s remark and grabs two papers from manager’s desk.

 

                    BRIAN

Hey, one of those stoners shorted me two papers.

 

                    MANAGER

Cool it, homos. Take your papers.

 

Brian and Casey turn toward door to leave and they see DAYNA, a good looking brunette, wearing tight jeans and a red wool coat, which she takes off as she enters the station, revealing her fluffy breasts.

 

    CASEY

(loudly; to Brian)

Oh, how convenient. And you were blaming the stoners for the missing papers.

        CHRIS

What’d you say, homo?

        CASEY

Nothing, stoner.

 

    CHRIS

Damn straight!

        CASEY

(to Brian, Dayna)

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Lovely Dayna. Hey Brian, it’s Dayna.

 

Brian pretends not to notice Dayna but seems nervous.

 

                    CASEY

Hey Dayna, Brian wrote a poem for you. It’s a love poem.

                    BRIAN

(low, to Casey)

Shut up, Casey!

 

                    CASEY

You weren’t shy about declaring your love for her in the poem. Why don’t you read it to her? Would you like to hear it, Dayna?

 

Brian shoots Casey an angry look, turns red, and walks out of the station. Casey and Dayna watch him leave, and then Casey turns back to her.

 

                    CASEY

I think he went to get the poem.

 

                    DAYNA

Did he really write a poem about me?

 

                    CASEY

Are those stoners high?

 

Dayna looks blankly at Casey. All the stoners contemplate their highness.

 

                    CHRIS

Damn straight!

 

                    DAYNA

You should be nicer to your friends.

 

                    CASEY

Don’t worry, he’s not mad.

 

                    DAYNA

I hope not; he’s a little out there, but a nice guy. I better get going anyhow.

 

Dayna grabs her paper bags and leaves with papers to do her route.

 

                    CASEY

(out door, to Brian)

You can come back in now, Brian. She’s gone.

 

Brian enters from side door, looking angry.

 

                    BRIAN

I’m so mad at you. You know I like Dayna. And that poem was about her tits! I’m not going to read her a poem about her tits!

 

                    RICK

She does have some nice ones, for a fourteen year old.

 

All nod in agreement, including manager.

 

                    RICK

Still, I wouldn’t write no pansy-ass poem about her.

 

All nod in agreement, including manager.

 

                    CASEY

I’m sorry, man. I guess you just got me a little riled up with that crap about Lesley looking better than Rachel.

 

                    BRIAN

I guess it’s OK.



                    DEAN

I’m getting misty-eyed at this heart-felt moment.

 

Dean lights up another cigarette, and puts one behind his ear.

 

                    CASEY (to Brian)

Dude, are you sleepin over at my place tonight, or am I sleepin over at your place?

 

                    CHRIS

You two princesses make it as easy as shootin fish in a bucket.

 

                    BRIAN

It’s a barrel, stoner.

 

                    CHRIS

Whatever!

 

                    BRIAN

(to Casey)

Let’s stay at my place tonight. My sister’s friends are going to be around tonight, and I rented some video games.

 

A loud noise sounds from outside and everyone runs to the door. They look out and see a van with a large plastic chicken on its roof, dragging an ATM machine. DEREK MACK, a young man with a ski mask, is driving. Everyone has a look of astonishment, except for Chris, who seems to accept the event as normal.

 

                    RICK

Dude, that’s gotta be Derek Mack!

 

Masked driver turns to people outside of paper station and gives everyone the finger.

 

                    CHRIS

That’s definitely Derek Mack.

 

                    BRIAN

Shouldn’t we call the cops or something?

           

        MANAGER

I didn’t really see anything. All right everybody, show’s over. Let’s get back to work.

 

                    BRIAN

I still think that maybe somebody should call the cops.

 

                    CASEY

He’s long gone by now. Let it go.

 

                    BRIAN

(contemplating)

Yeah, you’re probably right.

 

                    CASEY

So I’m sleeping over at your house tonight then?

 

                    CHRIS

Man, you guys are…

 

                    BRIAN

It’s a heterosleepover!

 

Brian and Casey exit paper station with two papers.

 

                    RICK

What the hell is hetero again?

 

                    CHRIS

I don’t know. Those two are goofy.



INT. BRIAN’S HOUSE — NIGHT

 

Three girls are in Brian’s sister AMY’s room. It is a typical 16 year-old’s room. JULIE is a short blonde who looks pretty darn good; Anne is kinda thick, but not terribly unattractive. Julie is trying on a shirt.

 

                    JULIE

So how do I look in this?

 

                    AMY

It looks fine.

 

                    JULIE

Like it matters anyhow. Brad just wants it off. Lately, he just can’t keep his hands to himself.

 

                    ANNE

Kirk keeps pressuring me to get on the pill, but I can’t afford to gain the wait.

 

                    AMY

Speaking of fat asses, did you see Tammy trying to get her wide load into those jeans today?

 

                    JULIE

She’s not foolin anyone.

 

Anne  takes a glance over to the door and notices the two peeping Toms.



                    ANNE

Hey girls, I just got some thong underwear from the mall. I’m not used to how they fit. Here, let me show you.

 

Anne walks over to the door and fakes like she’s going to pull her pants down. Casey and Brian can see her from behind as she maneuvers to pull down her pants. Their anticipation grows, but she thrusts her rear into the door and smacks the two curious youngsters.

 

                    CASEY V.O.

Ah, you bitch!

 

Door opens and the two guys are getting up, in obvious pain.

 

                    AMY

If it isn’t the Merry Masturbators!

 

                    CASEY

                (rubbing head)

If it isn’t Amy and the Slutcicles!

 

                    BRIAN

Hold on a minute! These aren’t your normal ugly friends        (rubs eyes)

Oh wait, yeah they are.

 

                    JULIE

Well, then why were you two perverts standing at the door?

 

                    BRIAN

I was looking for mom. Is she in here?

 

The doorbell rings; everyone reacts like a doorbell rang.

 

                    CASEY

Your pimp’s here.

 

                    AMY

It must be Tiff. Let’s go. And you two better stay outta our stuff. Now, beat it.

 

Casey and Brian leave. The girls follow suit shortly after. After a few seconds of silence, the door opens back up, and the two perverts come sneaking back in.

Next scene is of the two tearing apart the bags, pulling out various feminine products.

 

                    BRIAN

Looks like someone has a yeast infection.

 

                    CASEY

She’s bakin bread!

 

                    BRIAN

Slut!

 

                    CASEY

Anne’s on the rag, looky-here!

 

Casey is waving a tampon around with reckless abandon.

 

                    BRIAN

She’s always on the rag… Oh here we go!

 

Brian pulls out a pair of French-cut underwear and holds it up in front of him. Casey, toothbrush in one hand, touches the underwear with his free hand.

 

                    CASEY

Oooooh, silky!

 

                    BRIAN

Bikini cut.

 

Door opens and DAD walks in on the two. Dad is a mid-forties jean and t-shirt at home guy. They stiffen and try to pretend nothing’s up.

 

                    DAD

What the hell are you two doing?

 

                    CASEY

(still touching item)

 

  •  

     

                        DAD

    You two get the hell out of here, and stay out… And, those are French-cut.

     

    Casey and Brian move quickly out of the room. Dad scrambles to shove all items back in the bags, taking one last glance at the underwear. MOM walks in.

     

                        MOM

    What the hell are you doing?

     

                        DAD

     



  •  

    INTERCUT - BRIAN’S BASEMENT REC ROOM / MISSY’S BEDROOM

     

    Brian is setting up the video game system, and Casey is busy dialing the phone. MISSY is an athletic fairly pretty brunette with dark eyes.

     

                        CASEY

    Hi, is Missy there?

     

                        MISSY

    Who else would be answering my phone, Casey?

     

                        CASEY

    I’m sorry, your highness. (pause) Hey, is Rachel over there?

     

                        MISSY

    No Casey. I’ve got an idea, why don’t you just call her at her house? I’ll give you the number.

     

                        CASEY

    I’ve got the number. I know it by heart.

     

                        MISSY

    Well, try using it. She might like to hear from you.

     

                        CASEY

                        (excited)

    What? What do you mean? Did she tell you she likes me or something?

     

    Brian is making obscene gestures.

     

                        MISSY

    She’s my best friend, Casey. I’m not going to tell you everything she tells me. I’m just saying that you might want to call her.

     

                        CASEY

    So, Rachel wants to hear from me?

     

                        BRIAN (to Casey)

    Hey, ask Missy if Dayna wants to hear from me.

     

                        MISSY

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    She’s totally hot for you.

     

    Doorbell rings; Brian and Casey look up.

     

                        BRIAN

    Must be Jeff. I’ll be right back.

     

    Brian exits.

                        CASEY

    So Rachel’s interested?

     

                        MISSY

    You know Casey, there are other girls that like you, too.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, but other girls aren’t Rachel.

     

                        MISSY

    What’s so great about Rachel?

     

                        CASEY

    What’s not?

     

                        MISSY

    I think you should be looking for a girl you can talk to, and who listens to you.

     

    Brian and JEFF walk in. Jeff is tall, skinny, blonde, and obedient.

     

                        CASEY

    Speaking of talking to guys, have you ever talked to our good friend Jeff?

     

                        MISSY

    (disgusted)

    Aw, Casey, please don’t make me talk to that guy again.

     

                        CASEY

    Here, Jeff. Missy wants to talk to you.

     

    Casey hands Jeff the phone. Jeff is excited.

     

                        JEFF

    Hey, Missy! How are you doin?

     

                        MISSY

    Just put Casey back on the phone real quick.

     

                        JEFF

    All right.

     

    Jeff hands Casey the phone.

     

                        CASEY

    Hello!

     

                        MISSY

    That guy gives me the creeps. I’m not going to talk to him.

     

                        CASEY

    What, you want Jeff back on the phone?

     

                        MISSY

    Casey, my mom’s calling me.

     

    Missy puts the phone down and yells away from receiver, pretending to be her mom.

     

                        MISSY

    Missy! Missy!

     

    Missy puts phone back to mouth.

     

                        MISSY

    I gotta go!

     

    Missy hangs up. Casey hangs up. Jeff looks disappointed.

     

                        CASEY

    Dude, her mom was calling her.

     

                        JEFF

    That’s too bad.

     

                        CASEY

    Don’t worry, we’ll call her later. I think she’s got the hots for you.

     

                        JEFF

    Oh, great! Can I see her picture again?

     

                        CASEY

    The church directory’s in my bag.

     

    Jeff goes over to bag and pulls out directory. He opens to the page with Missy.

     

                        JEFF

    Oh yeah, she’s got the goods!

     

                        CASEY

    She’s wearing a big-ass sweater in that picture. She looks a lot better than that.

     

                        JEFF

    So we’re going to call her in about an hour?

     

                        CASEY

    Sure, buddy. Now, let’s get our game on.

     

                        BRIAN

    I rented the new football game. We can have a tournament.

     

                        JEFF

    Cool!



                        BRIAN

    Plus, we’ve got Mountain Dew and Pixie Sticks!

     

                        CASEY

    And I’ve got Anne’s toothbrush.

     

                        JEFF

    What’re you gonna do with that?

     

                        CASEY

    Just watch me.

     

    Casey takes a toothbrush and puts it down the back of his pants and rubs it around like he’s got a bad itch.

     

                        JEFF

    Oh my God! What did she ever do to you?

     

                        CASEY

    I’ll teach that wench to hit me in the head with a door!

     

    Brian and Jeff laugh mightily. Casey puts toothbrush on a table. Guys are playing video games, drinking Dew, acting silly, dumping sugar into Mountain Dew. Dad eventually comes down.

     

                        DAD

    Your mother wanted me to remind you that your sister’s friends are sleeping over tonight, and you corn-dogs better make sure you stay away from her room.

     

                        BRIAN

    OK, dad.

     

                        DAD

    Hmm, I must have left my toothbrush down here.

     

    Dad grabs toothbrush and heads for steps.

     

                        DAD

     

  •  

     

                        BRIAN

    Dad, I don’t think that’s your toothbrush.

     

                        DAD

    The hell it isn’t!

     

    Dad walks out and the three guys giggle and worry a little.

     

                        CASEY

    Your dad’s gonna use my butt-brush, and I think he called us corn-dogs.

     

    A few empty bottles of Mountain Dew are strewn throughout the basement. The boys are finishing up a video game.

     

                        JEFF

    Those graphics were really good, but the playability was only adequate.

     

                        CASEY

    You had better than adequate suckability when I pummeled you.

     

                        JEFF

    Isn’t it time to call Missy back?

     

                        CASEY

    We can make some phone calls.

     

    Casey grabs church directory and pages through it. He gets a mischievous look on his face. Still shot of picture in book of two chubby 8th grade girls.

     

                        CASEY

    Let’s call the Twinkie Twins.

     

                        JEFF

    Why do you call them the Twinkie Twins?

     

                        BRIAN

    Because they love cream filling!

     

                        JEFF

    Ye haw, call ‘em up!

     

    Casey picks up phone and dials. He waits a while, looking anxious.

     

                        CASEY

    It’s the machine. (waits a few seconds) Hi, this message is for Debbie or Sara. This is Jeff Russel. I saw your picture in the church directory, and I couldn’t resist calling. I’m 5’8”, an Aquarius; I have dusty blonde hair and deep blue eyes. We should really get together and go out to eat sometime. If I whet your appetites, give me a call. My number is 555-1947.

     

    Casey hangs up and has a look of accomplishment.

     

                        BRIAN

    Give me the directory. Who should I call?

     

                        CASEY

    Call Karen Scherrer. She’s pretty hot.

     

    Brian looks at Karen’s family picture.

     

                        BRIAN

    Mmmm. So’s her mommy!



                        CASEY

    Give ‘em a call.



    INTERCUT – BRIAN’S BASEMENT / KAREN’S KITCHEN

     

    Brian dials the phone.

     

                        KAREN

    Hello?

     

                        BRIAN

    Is Karen there?

     

                        KAREN

    This is.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey Karen, how’s it going?

     

                        KAREN

                    (hesitating)

    Not bad. Who is this?

     

                        BRIAN

    You don’t know who this is?

     

                        KAREN

    No!

     

                        BRIAN

    C’mon, I can’t believe you don’t know who this is!

     

                        KAREN

    No! Who is this?

     

                        BRIAN

    Why don’t you take a guess?

     

                        KAREN

    Is this Jeremy?

     

                        BRIAN

    Yep, it’s Jeremy. I knew you’d get it!

     

                        KAREN

    I don’t even know anyone named Jeremy.



                        BRIAN

    You got me! My real name’s Raul. I play soccer. I’m in town visiting my grandpa, and I got your number out of his church directory. You’re pretty.

     

                        KAREN

    Who’s your grandpa?

     

                        BRIAN

    (flipping through directory)

    Grandpa Norm. Norm Singer.

     

                        KAREN

    You know what Raul? I gotta go.

     

                        BRIAN

    I could talk to your mom…



                        KAREN

    No!

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, then put your dad on the horn. We’ll shoot the bull for a while.

     

    Karen says nothing in return.

     

                        CASEY

    (to Brian, low)

    Her dad is dead!

     

    Brian, in a panic, hangs up phone.

     

                        CASEY

    That was really low, man.

     

                        BRIAN

    Dude, I didn’t know her dad was dead!

     

                        CASEY

    Didn’t you look at the picture? Did you see a dad in the picture?

     

                        BRIAN

    Man, I feel awful.

     

                        JEFF

    You should feel awful. Let’s not do this anymore. Can we just call Missy?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, no more pranks. Let’s just call Missy.

     

    Casey flips through directory, dials the phone, and hands it to Jeff.

     

                        CASEY

    Here you go, stud-muffin.



    INTERCUT – BRIAN’S BASEMENT / MIDDLE SCHOOLER’S HOUSE

     

    Casey shows Brian the directory with the 11 year-old Missy that Jeff will be inquiring about.

     

                        FATHER

     

  •  

     

                        JEFF

    Hello, sir. May I please speak with Missy?

     

                        FATHER

    She’s asleep. Who is this?

     

                        JEFF

    This is Jeffrey; may I leave a message?

     

                        FATHER

    Do you have any idea what time it is?

     

                        JEFF

    A little after 10:30.

     

                        FATHER

    How old are you, Jeff?

     

                        JEFF

    Fourteen, sir.

     

                        FATHER

    Jeff, is it normal for a fourteen year-old man to be calling an 11 year-old girl in the middle of the night?

     

                        JEFF

    I guess not, but my friends…

     

                        FATHER

    I’d like to talk to an adult in the house.

     

    Jeff holding phone to chest.

     

                        JEFF

    He wants to talk to an adult.

     

    Brian and Casey are just laughing. Brian grabs the phone and hangs up. Jeff realizes the prank and joins in on the good-hearted laughter.

     

    Dad comes down into basement with ass-brush and water cup to settle down the boys. He spits into a cup.

     

                        DAD

    You turkeys need to quiet down!

     

    The three laugh even louder.

     

                        DAD

    What the hell is wrong with you turkeys?

     

    Dad again spits in cup and heads back upstairs.

     

                        DAD

    (to self)

    Turkeys!

     

    The three young men are gobbling as Dad walks upstairs.



    INT. CASEY’S SCHOOL — DAY




    Rachel

    Scott

    White

    Girl 1

    Scott’s

    Friend 1

    Dayna

    Missy

    Puerto

    Rican

    Girl

    Casey

    Lamont

    Sara

    Debbie

    Chinese

    Guy

    Scott’s

    Friend 2

    Lesley

    Tina

    Scott’s

    Friend 2

    White

    Boy

    Billy

    Peterson

    Larry

    Cindy

    Jason

    Holly

    Ryan

    Karen

     

    Classroom seating chart.

     

    All of Casey’s classmates are introduced in their 8th grade classroom. RACHEL, Casey’s love interest, is a voluptuous, blue-eyed brunette. LAMONT is a personable African-American. SCOTT is good looking and confident. LESLEY is a super-model-ish blonde. BILLY is a tall kid with glasses. SARA and DEBBIE are heavy twins. PETERSON is a redneck. All are wearing Catholic School uniforms.

     

    Typical grade school classroom. Casey is staring at Rachel before class. LAMONT, sitting to Casey’s right, is trying to get his attention.

     

                        LAMONT

    Casey! Casey! You still tryin to get wit dat Rachel bitch?

     

    Casey pays no attention to Lamont.



                        CASEY

                    (still staring)

    Yeah, yeah, Lamont.

     

                        LAMONT

    Casey! Casey! Hey Rachel, Rachel!

     

    Rachel looks over Lamont; Casey still is clueless.

     

                        LAMONT

    Rachel, Casey starin at you!

     

    Casey finally acknowledges Lamont.

     

                        CASEY

    Lamont! What do you want?

     

                        LAMONT

    Yo math homework. Jus playin. Whatchya do this weekend?

     

                        CASEY

    Just chillin at home watchin the WB.

     

                        LAMONT

    You know you wasn’t!

     

                        CASEY

    Well, what were you doin?

     

        LAMONT

    My cousin was in town. I was drivin his drop-top all over.

     

                        CASEY

    Did you wear your seatbelt, Mr. Fullashit?

     

                        LAMONT

    Shut up, man! Ah, shit! Scott pickin up on your girl!

     

    Casey turns back to look at Rachel, who is talking to Scott.

     

                        CASEY

    (to self)

    Turkey!

     

                        LAMONT

    You goin out like a sucka! Don’t let dat chump make a play on yo lady!

     

    MR. STARKEY enters the classroom, wearing a sports coat and tie. He puts his briefcase down and addresses the class.

     

    1.             STARKEY

    All right everyone, settle down. (to Scott and Rachel) And you two, stop flirting!

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, Scott! Show the teacher some respect, you filthy prick!

     

    1.             STARKEY

    I think you know where to go now, Casey.

     

    Casey gets up and looks at Rachel. She smiles. He begins to leave.

     

                        LAMONT

    (to Casey)

    Yo, man, seriously. Can I get that math homework?

     

                        CASEY

    Like I did it!

     

    Casey walks out of room like an old pro, pointing at a few friends, including Billy. He also blows Dayna a kiss.

     

    Casey in hallway, sitting next to some bubblers (water fountains). Some crappy middle school art adorns the walls. Rachel comes out to hall with a pass.

     

                        RACHEL

    Hey, Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    Don’t tell me you got kicked out, too?

     

                        RACHEL

    No, I asked for the bathroom pass, but I don’t really have to go.

     

                        CASEY

    So why did you come out here?

     

                        RACHEL

    I just needed to get out of that class. Scott keeps undressing me with his eyes.

     

                        CASEY

    Do you want me to kick his ass?




                        RACHEL

    No, I don’t think that’s necessary.                         (seductively)

    You know, Casey, you don’t have to worry about him.

     

                        CASEY

    Because I will kick his ass.

     

                        RACHEL

    I said no.

     

                        CASEY

    So you just came out here to talk to me?

     

                        RACHEL

    Well, since you can’t manage to stay in the classroom very long, I thought we could talk out here.

     

                        CASEY

    These teachers don’t like me.

     

                        RACHEL

    Just so you know, Casey, I like you. I better go.

     

    Rachel leaves before Casey can regain his composure. Casey has a big smile on his face as two second-graders walk by Casey and stare at him.

     

                        CASEY

    What are you two little booger-eaters looking at? Get to class.

     

                        BOOGER-EATER 1

    Big jerk!

     

    Casey fakes at the boys, and both kids run away. Casey walks into the office, where SISTER JAN, a plump nun with glasses, is sitting at a desk in the office with some donuts on her desk.

     

                        CASEY

    Sister Jan, some kids just called me a jerk!



                        SISTER JAN

    Go sit back down in the hallway, young man!

     

                        CASEY

    Can I at least get a bear-claw?

     

                        SISTER JAN

                    (pointing)

    Now!

     

                        CASEY

    Yes, sir!

     

    Casey leaves the office without a pastry and returns to his spot in the hall.



    INT. LUNCHROOM OF CASEY’S SCHOOL — NOON

     

    The students sit in a typical lunchroom with long folding tables. Casey, in a good mood, approaches Lamont.

     

                        LAMONT

    What you grinning bout wit yo yella teeth?

     

                        CASEY

    Shouldn’t you be telling some “yo mamma” jokes?

     

                        LAMONT

    Yeah, yo mamma say shut up!

     

                        CASEY

    Dude, guess what! When I was in the hallway last hour, Rachel came out, and I think she’s got a crush on me.

     

                        LAMONT

    Aww, she got some big ol’ titties! You gonna be squeezin em and lickin em…

     

                        CASEY

    I hope so.

     

                        LAMONT

    Seriously, though, Casey, you ever notice how black girls got some big titties?

     

                        CASEY

    I guess so.

     

    Dayna walks by, and the two boys check her out.

     

                        LAMONT

    You know, white girls got some big titties, too!

    EXT. PAPER ROUTE — NIGHT, FRIDAY

     

    Brian and Casey walk past Christmas-ornamented home. A gaudy setup, with manger scene, which includes Frosty, Santa, and Rudolph paying homage to the Christ child. Only the green lights are twinkling.

     

                        CASEY

    Do you see a problem with this scene?

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, only the green lights are twinkling.

     

                        CASEY

    Let me rephrase. Were Frosty and Santa at the nativity?

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t really know, but I can ask my pastor.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m gonna kick those over.

     

                        BRIAN

    No you’re not, those are good tippers. They gave me a really nice Christmas gift, with a card.

       

                    CASEY

    Did the card have Mariah Carey and Bing Crosby as the Virgin Mary and Joseph?

     

                        BRIAN

    What?

     

                        CASEY

    Well… Mariah Carey is a slut bag.

     

    Brian and Casey are outside of a house waiting for customer to answer the door. Evening Game Show airs loudly in the background as the boys wait.

     

                        BRIAN

    She takes forever. So, are you really gonna ask Rachel out?

     

                        CASEY

    Ahhh, well, I just gotta figure out how.

     

                        BRIAN

    Call her on the phone, jackass.

     

                        CASEY

    But I wanna make it special.



                        BRIAN

    You had all week to make it special. Now you gotta make it official.

     

                        CASEY

    Lamont’s been givin me some crap. He said, “You gotta make that girl your…”

     

    MRS ADDELMANN opens the door. She is very old, and wearing a floral frock and nylon stockings that don’t go up far enough.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    Warrrren! It’s so cold out. Come on in; bring your little friend with you.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, let’s head in, Warren.

     

                        BRIAN

    OK, little friend.

     

    They all enter the house.



    INT. MRS. ADDELMANN’S HOUSE — NIGHT

     

    The overall appearance of Mrs. Addelmann’s living room brings images of mothballs, TV dinners, cat odor, butterscotch candy, etc. The boys’ facial expressions and body gestures indicate it is a bit warm in the house.

     

                        CASEY

    Man, it must be 80 degrees in here!

     

                        BRIAN

    Mrs. Addelmann, what do you have the temperature set to in here?

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    Ohh, the cat’s in the basement. He likes you, Warren.

     

                        CASEY

    And Warren loves your pussy, Mrs. Addelmann.

     

    Brian walks over to the thermostat and turns it down. Mrs. Addelmann heads to the kitchen to get some goodies.



    1.             ADDELMANN V.O.

    I just baked a cake. Would you two whipper-snappers like some?



                        CASEY

    We’d love some.

     

    Brian elbows Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    What?

     

                        BRIAN

    She always forgets ingredients or burns it or something.

     

                        CASEY

    I didn’t know, Warren.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN V.O.

    Here comes your pie!

     

    Mrs. A returns and hands the boys a couple of baked potatoes.




                        BRIAN

    We’ll just take those with us, Mrs. Addelmann, but I’m here to collect for the newspaper.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    I have your money right here.

     

    She hands Brian a plastic sandwich bag full of change.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    There’s a little extra in there for you two. Don’t spend it all in one place.

     

                        BRIAN

    I won’t, Mrs. Addelmann.

     

    Brian and Casey leave the house.



    EXT. SIDEWALK ON PAPER ROUTE – NIGHT

     

                        CASEY

    Are you gonna eat that potato?

     

                        BRIAN

     



  •  

                        CASEY

    I gotta take care of some unfinished business.

     

    Casey takes his potato and chucks it at the manger scene. Instead of hitting Frosty and Santa, he knocks over the manger, Mary, and the Rudolph. Joseph and the baby Jesus were spared, as were Frosty and Santa.

     

                        BRIAN

    Dude, you really shouldn’t screw with Santa.



    EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE OF DAYNA’S HOUSE — NIGHT

     

    Brian rings doorbell and they wait. Casey, on tippy toes, is looking in through window in door.

     

                        CASEY

    Ooh, Dayna’s home.

     

                        BRIAN

    Don’t even say anything! She smiled at me at the station yesterday and I don’t need you to ruin it.

     

    Door opens and Dayna emerges.

     

                        DAYNA

    So you want my parents’ money?



                        CASEY

    Were you planning on paying with something else?

     

    Brian elbows Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    Brian accepts potatoes if you like.

     

                        DAYNA

    What do you mean?

     

                        CASEY

    Show her your potato, Brian. He’s got it in his pants.

     

                        DAYNA

    Do you really have a potato in your pants?

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

                        DAYNA

    Why?

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, Mrs. Addelmann gave us potatoes instead of cake.

     

                        DAYNA

    Oh yeah, she’s crazy.

     

                        BRIAN

    Say, Dayna. Where do most potatoes come from?

     

                        DAYNA

    In the ground, right?

     

                        BRIAN

    No, what state?

     

                        DAYNA

    Idaho?

     

                        BRIAN

    And I da pimp!

     

                        DAYNA

    What?

     

                        BRIAN

    You were like, “I da ho,” so I said, “I da pimp.” Get it?

     

                        DAYNA

    That was stupid!

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, Brian, that was really lame.

     

    Dayna hands Brian the money.

     

                        DAYNA

    See you guys later.

     

    Dayna shuts the door. Casey starts laughing a lot.

     

                        CASEY

    I da pimp. That’s pretty funny!

     

                        BRIAN

    You said it was lame.

     

                        CASEY

    You’re better off just to agree with women.

     

    Brian and Casey continue walking on route.

     

                        CASEY

    You certainly just failed miserably. I hope I don’t strike out like that with Rachel.

     

                        BRIAN

    She oughta hit you with a fastball in the face.

     

                        CASEY

    Like the high hard one you just took? Tonight’s the night. I’m gonna call Rachel.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, it’s about time.

     

    A brown Valare drives by with the stoners in it and smoke pouring out of it, and they honk at the boys.

     

                        BRIAN

    Let’s just go to Mr. Smith’s house and call it a night. He’s always watching pornos right about now and his drapes are open just a bit.

     

    Brian and Casey looking in window outside of MR. SMITH’s house.

     

                        CASEY

    I can’t tell what that is.

     

                        BRIAN

    He needs a big screen TV.



    INT. KITCHEN OF BRIAN’S HOUSE — NIGHT

     

    Dad is buttering and sour creaming the potato at the kitchen table.

     

                        DAD

                    (yelling)

    Whose potato is this? If no one else wants it, I’m eating this potato!



    INT. BASEMENT OF BRIAN’S HOUSE — NIGHT

     

    Casey and Brian are sitting in front of the TV, just hanging out.

     

                        CASEY

    I think your dad’s eating your potato.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, it’s better than the ass-brush anyhow.

     

                        CASEY

    Alright, I’m gonna do it!

     

                        BRIAN

    You’re gonna come out of the closet. Because if you do, I fully support that kind of thing.

     

                        CASEY

    Just give me the phone, dog breath.

     

    Brian gives Casey the phone and Casey starts to dial, but stops.

     

                        CASEY

    No, no, wait; hold on.

     

                        BRIAN

    Call her or don’t call her—I don’t care anymore. I’m gonna play a video game.

     

    Casey makes the call as Brian ignores him. Missy is in her bedroom when she answers the phone.



    INTERCUT – BRIAN’S BASEMENT / MISSY’S ROOM

     

                        CASEY

    Hi, Missy, how’s it going?

     

                        MISSY

    I’m just fine, how are you?

     

                        CASEY

    Is Rachel over?

     

                        MISSY

    Yes, she’s here. Didn’t I tell you in class today that she was going to be here?

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, yeah, that’s right. So what are you two ladies up to?

     

                        MISSY

    We’re just trying on some new skirts, and then we’re going to jump on a trampoline.

     

                        CASEY

    Really!

     

                        MISSY

    No. What do you want, Casey?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t know, you know, Rachel.

     

                        MISSY

    You like her, right, Casey?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, she’s nice.

     

                        MISSY

    Why don’t you just ask her out?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t want her to say no.

     

                        MISSY

    I don’t think she’ll say no. So do you want to ask her out?

     

                        CASEY

     

  •  

     

                        MISSY

    Are you asking her out, Casey?

     

                        CASEY

     

  •  

     

                        MISSY

    Hold on.

     

                        CASEY

                    (to Brian)

    Brian, dude! She’s askin Rachel out for me right now!

     

                        BRIAN

    Wonderful. I just had a 76 yard kickoff return against the computer set at all-pro.

     

                        CASEY

    Really? That’s gotta be a record!

     

                        BRIAN

    It is, I’m entering my name…

     

                        MISSY

    Casey? Casey?

                        CASEY

                    (excited)

    Missy! What’d she say.

     

                        MISSY

                    (not excited)

    She said yes, she’ll go out with you.

     

                        CASEY

    You’re not lying to me?

     

                        MISSY

    Why don’t you talk to her; she’s your girlfriend now.

     

                        RACHEL

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    Rachel?

     

                        RACHEL

    I’m so happy you finally asked me out.

     

                        CASEY

    You’re happy! I’ve liked you since fifth grade. This is so cool.

     

                        RACHEL

    I’ve liked you, too. We’ve got a lot to talk about, but Micelle’s mom is taking us shopping now. Can I call you tomorrow?

     

                        CASEY

    Sure! What time? What time?

     

                        RACHEL

    How about eleven?

     

                        CASEY

    That’s perfect!

     

                        RACHEL

    Alright, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

     

                        CASEY

    OK, goodnight.

     

    Casey hangs up the phone.

     

                        CASEY

    Hell yeah?

     

    Casey and Brian give each other “Top Gun beach volleyball-style” high fives.

     

                        DAD V.O.

                    (from upstairs)

    What are you two turkeys so excited about?

     

                        CASEY

    I got a girlfriend!

     

                        DAD V.O.

    Now you need a job.

     

    Casey and Brian start laughing uncontrollably at the near sexual allusion. They are also making hand gestures.

     

                        DAD V.O.

    Not that kind of job, you turkeys!

     

    The boys hear a knock on the basement window.

     

                        BRIAN

    That must be Jeff.

     

    Brian walks over to the basement window and opens it for Jeff, who squeezes through the opening.

     

                        CASEY

    Why don’t you just use the front door, you dumb-ass?

     

                        JEFF

    Amy and her friends would’ve made fun of my zit.

     

                        BRIAN

    What zit?

     

                        JEFF

    Right here. I’ve got cover-up on it.

     

                        BRIAN

    Cover-up?

     

                        JEFF

    Yeah, it’s skin tone benzoil peroxide.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s makeup, you fairy.

     

                        JEFF

    It’s not like I’m wearing mascara, Casey.

     

                        BRIAN

    Are you sure, Jeff. Those eye lashes look a foot long!

     

                        JEFF

    I came here to play video games, not to be insulted.

     

                        CASEY

    Well, you came to the wrong place, sucka.

     

                        BRIAN

    Guess what! I had a 76 yard touchdown return off the computer on all-pro.

     

                        JEFF

    That’s gotta be a record!

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah! I put my…

     

                        CASEY

    That’s not the big news around here. Rachel is officially my girlfriend.

     

                        JEFF

    Well, somebody call Washington.

     

                        CASEY

    It is a big deal. All my hard work is finally paying off—chorus, student council, all that shit.

     

                        JEFF

    Only one girlfriend, Casey?

     

                        BRIAN

    What?

     

                        JEFF

    I’m working on a little twin action.

     

                        CASEY

    The twinkies?

     

                        JEFF

    I’m getting ready to double my pleasure.

     

                        CASEY

    I bet it would take only one of them to double your pleasure, Jeff. Have you met them yet?

     

                        JEFF

    We’ve just been talking on the phone. I think we’re gonna do a threesome for the dance. But hey, I don’t wanna be a glory-hound; how’d you get Rachel to go out with you?

     

                        CASEY

    I just called her and told her what was up. She couldn’t help herself. My charm, wit, charisma—we were meant to be together.

     

                        JEFF

    Yeah, you two are just like peanut butter and jelly.

     

                        BRIAN

    Speaking of peanut butter, do you know what I heard? This guy from my school, someone told me, he took peanut butter and put it on his schlong and he got his dog to…

     

                        CASEY

    That’s sick! Who was it?

     

                        BRIAN

    Just this one guy. I’d know him if I saw him.

     

                        JEFF

    That’s a bunch of BS.

     

                        BRIAN

    No, really, it happened. If it didn’t happen, how come everyone at school knows about it? Explain that.

     

    Jeff pauses and contemplates the riddle before him.

     

                        JEFF

    OK, fine, it happened.

     

                        CASEY

    All right, Brian, let’s play.

     

                        JEFF

    I got winner.

     

                        CASEY

    Who the hell else would play the winner?




    INTERCUT – INT. CASEY’S HOUSE—SATURDAY LATE MORNING / GRAMMA’S HOUSE

     

    Casey is waiting obediently by the phone for the 11:00 call from Rachel. He seems a bit nervous. At 10:50, he’s waiting and stoked. At 10:59, the phone rings, and Casey has to restrain himself in order to answer it on the second ring.

     

                        CASEY

    Hello?

     

                        GRAMMA

    Greg?

     

                        CASEY

    No, Gramma, this is Casey?

     

                        GRAMMA

    You sound so much like your father. I’m going to a craft fair today and I’m planning on taking your mother if she wasn’t doing anything else. Could you put your mother on the phone so I can discuss with her what we are going to plan on doing for today?

     

                        CASEY

    She just stepped out. She’s getting some stuff.  Gotta go. Love you. Bye.

     

    Casey quickly hangs up the phone before his grandma can recover.

     

                        GRAMMA

    Gregggg!



    INTERCUT – CASEY’S KITCHEN / RACHEL’S ROOM

     

    Casey checking watch, tapping counter, looking up at ceiling, and checking phone for dial tone. The phone finally rings at around ten after eleven.

     

                        CASEY

    Hello?

     

                        RACHEL

    Is Casey there?

     

                        CASEY

    This is.

     

                        RACHEL

    I’m so sorry I’m ten minutes late.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s OK; I just finished hittin the weights, anyhow.

     

                        RACHEL

    We could talk on the phone for a while, but I have a better idea. Missy and I are going to the mall, and maybe you could meet us there.

     

                        CASEY

    Sounds great! Name the place and time.

     

                        RACHEL

    How about noon in front of the food court?

     

                        CASEY

    Great, I’ll be there.

     

                        RACHEL

    I’m really looking forward to seeing you.

     

                        CASEY

    Me too, bye.



                        RACHEL

    See you soon.

     

                        CASEY

                    (yelling)

    Mom, I need a ride to the mall, pronto.

     

                        CASEY’S MOM V.O.

    No, you need to clean up your room, pronto.

     

                        CASEY

    I’ll get right on it.



    INTERCUT – CASEY’S KITCHEN / BRIAN’S BASEMENT

     

    Casey dials the phone rather than going to room; Brian answers.

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    Brian, you wanna go to the mall?

     

                        BRIAN

    We hate the mall.



                        CASEY

    Rachel and Missy are going to be there.

     

                        BRIAN

    I guess I can go. So when are you gonna come get me?

     

                        CASEY

    Can’t you get your dad to drive us? He’s cooler than my mom.

     

                        BRIAN

    She won’t drive us, will she?

     

                        CASEY

    She wants me to clean my room, but there’s no time because we gotta be there at noon.

     

                        BRIAN

                    (yelling)

    Dad, can you drive Casey and me to the mall?

     

                        DAD V.O.

    Why would you want to go there?



                        BRIAN

    I gotta get mom her Christmas gift.

     

                        DAD V.O.

    Ah, right. Let’s get movin!

     

                        BRIAN

    Casey, we’ll be there in five.

     

                        CASEY

    Cool. Bye.



    INT. CAR, BACK OF MALL PARKING LOT — JUST BEFORE NOON

     

    Casey elbows Brian and looks towards Dad.

     

                        BRIAN

    Just drop us off here, dad.

     

                        DAD

    What do you mean? We’re a mile from the entrance, you idiots.

     

                        BRIAN

    It’s a nice day; we’ll walk it.

     

                        DAD

    You can walk all damn afternoon on your route. I’m dropping you off in front.

     

    Dad looks to the side and sees a couple of nice looking young ladies.

     

                        DAD

    Whoa! You see those girls? They’re about your age.

     

    Dad honks the horn. Casey and Brian are embarrassed in back seat, and Casey sinks down as low as he can go.

     

                        BRIAN

    What are you doin, dad? Those are high school girls.

     

                        DAD

    What? You guys don’t like older women? End of the line, boys.

     

                        BRIAN

    We’re not getting out now. Take us to another entrance.

     

                        DAD

    Get out now, or I’ll drive us right back home.

     

                        CASEY

    OK, let’s get out. Thanks for the ride.

     

    The boys get out and head for entrance. The two high school girls (GIRL 1 and GIRL 2) are also right near the entrance.

     

                        GIRL 1

    Daddy give you a ride to the mall?

     

                        CASEY

    Don’t you two have a heart? His gramma just died.

     

    The girls look sorry for their actions and Brian puts on a sad look to solidify the effect.

     

                        GIRL 1

    I’m sorry.

     

    Brian sort of nods and goes into the mall with Casey.



    INT. MALL FOOD COURT

     

    Missy and Rachel are sitting at a table and eating some sort of cinnamon bun. Brian and Casey approach.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey ladies, buns are looking good!

     

                        RACHEL

    Hi Casey, would you like a piece?

     

    Casey and Brian look at each other with raised eyebrows.

     

                        CASEY

    Let’s get to know each other a little better first.

     

    The girls laugh at Casey’s comeback. Brian points at Missys’s bun.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey Missy, how ‘bout a piece?

     

                        MISSY

    You’re a pervert, Brian.

     

    Brian is left speechless.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, cut him some slack. His gramma just died.

     

                        RACHEL

    Oh, I’m so sorry, Brian.

     

                        BRIAN

    I appreciate your condolences.

     

                        MISSY

    What a bunch of bullshit! His gramma died when he broke my window with a snowball. His gramma died when he unclasped my bikini top. Everytime he acts like a jerk, Casey says his gramma died. You know what, my gramma did just die, and I think you two should stop using that joke!

     

                        CASEY

    Whoa, I’m sorry Missy. I didn’t mean to offend you.

     

                        MISSY

    You’re so stupid! My gramma’s alive and she drove us here today. Let’s go shopping.

     

                        RACHEL

    Yeah, let’s go to the GAP.

     

                        CASEY

    OK!

     

    They all get up and start to leave.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hooray, the GAP!

     

                        MISSY

    What, you don’t want to venture into the GAP?

     

                        BRIAN

    Well…

     

                        MISSY

    Just shut up!

     

    Casey and Rachel are walking ahead of Brian and Missy, holding hands. They enter the GAP.

     

                        RACHEL

    I need to find something extra special here that I can wear for you to the dance.

     

                        CASEY

    You always look good to me.

     

                        RACHEL

    I just hope I can find something that doesn’t make me look fat.

     

                        CASEY

    You are so not fat!

     

                        MISSY

                    (to Brian)

    Someone’s fishing for compliments, and he’s taking the bait.

     

    Missy does fishing motion.

     

                        BRIAN

    My sister’s Teen magazine says that vertical stripes make girls look thinner.

     

                        MISSY

    Just shut up, Brian.

     

    Rachel holds up a red dress for Casey to look at. Casey stares at her breasts instead of at the dress. Brian’s gaze turns to Rachel’s rack as well.

     

                        RACHEL

    How would this dress look on me, Casey?

     

                        CASEY

    That would really bring out the color in your eyes.

     

                        RACHEL

    Oh, thanks.

     

                        MISSY

                    (to Brian)

    It’s a freakin red dress!

     

                        BRIAN

    So?

     

                        MISSY

    I’m gonna wait outside.



    INT. MALL NEAR CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

     

    SANTA and his ELVES are having kids sit on his lap.

     

                        RACHEL

    Ooo, let’s get our picture taken with Santa!

     

                        CASEY

    Great! It’s on me.

     

    Casey looks at Brian.

     

                        BRIAN

    Do you have any money?

     

    Casey stares back with a “bail me out” look.

     

                        BRIAN

    You gotta be kidding me. I paid for you to get into the movies, and that overdue fee.

     

                        CASEY

    C’mon, man! It’s Rachel; it’s Christmas.

     

    Brian gets the money out and hands it over.



                        BRIAN

    Why do I even hang around with you?

     

                        SANTA

    Ho ho ho!

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, don’t talk that way about Missy. Do you want Brian to kick his ass, Missy?

     

                        MISSY

    Yeah, Brian would ruin Christmas for everyone.

     

                        BRIAN

    Don’t drag me into this. I didn’t even want to get my picture taken with this fat ass hole.

     

                        SANTA

    Santa heard that, you little pecker-head. You’re gonna get nothing but a stocking full of reindeer shit.

     

    Elf makes a drinking gesture behind Santa’s back.

     

                        RACHEL

    Let’s just get our picture taken.

     

    The picture is taken and Santa is giving the camera the finger, the elf is once again doing the drinking gesture, Missy has a disgusted look, Casey and Rachel are happily holding each other, Brian just has some dumb look on his face.



    INT. MALL – DAY

     

    Casey, Brian, Rachel, and Michelle are walking near a negligee store.

     

                        CASEY

    Ooh, look at all this stuff. Let’s go in.

     

    Dad is at a rack of panties, eating an ice cream cone, while smiling and nodding as a young attractive employee holds up a pair of silky panties. Dad has ice cream on his face.

     

                        BRIAN

                    (pointing at dad)

    Uh oh!

     

                        CASEY

    Now that I think about it, my mom wouldn’t really approve.

     

                        BRIAN

    Mine either; let’s go!

     

    A lapse of an hour or more occurs. The four are once again walking through the mall, and the PA comes on.

     

                        PA V.O.

    Would Brian and Casey please come to the Mall Security Desk. Your father’s waiting for you, and he called you turkeys. That’s Brian and Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    I can’t believe your dad had us paged.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, cut me some slack. My gramma just died.

     

                        CASEY

    We better leave before he has us paged again.

     

                        RACHEL

    I’m glad we got to do something today.

     

    Rachel moves in close and looks into Casey’s eyes, and gives him a big hug.

     

                        BRIAN

                    (to Missy)

    Can I get a hug, hot stuff?

     

                        MISSY

    Casey, Brian wants a hug from you.

     

    INT. PAPER STATION — SATURDAY AFTERNOON

     

    All the stoners are subbing papers and standing around arguing and smoking.

     

                        RICK

    It’s not just about how good a song sounds, it’s about the story being told in the song.

     

                        DEAN

    But no one would listen to it in the first place if it didn’t sound good. They didn’t give a rat’s ass about the lyrics.

     

                        RICK

    Then how do you explain the album cover?

     

                        DEAN

    Some artist who’d never heard the song did the album cover.

     

    Casey and Brian walk in as Rick gets ready to respond.

     

                        RICK

    You don’t think they had any creative input?

     

                        DEAN

    That band was too busy touring to help design an album cover.

     

                        CASEY

    Are you two talking about Hootie and the Blowfish again?

     

                        RICK

    Are you two blowing each other again?

     

                        CHRIS

    I’ll just get these dickweeds their papers.

     

    As Chris goes behind the desk to get the papers, everyone hears a strange grinding noise, and run towards the door. Outside, they see Derek Mack on a snowmobile in the street with no snow, sparks a-flying. He has a case of beer on the back, and as he flies by, he gives everyone the finger.

     

                        CHRIS

    That looks like my neighbor’s snowmobile.

     

                        CASEY

    Don’t you need snow for a snowmobile?

     

                        BRIAN

    I guess Derek Mack doesn’t. Should we tell someone he took your neighbor’s snowmobile?

     

                        CHRIS

    Are you gonna narc on Derek Mack?… Are you gonna narc on Derek Mack?



                        CASEY

    I didn’t see anything.

     

    Dayna walks in through the back door as the guys begin returning to their positions inside the station.

     

                        DAYNA

    Who was that on the snowmobile?

     

                        CASEY

    We didn’t see anything.

     

    Everyone’s expressions confirm Casey’s statement.

     

                        DAYNA

    Casey, I heard the big news.

     

                        CASEY

    Brian’s not gay.

     

    Brian ignores the statement.

     

                        RICK

    Is too!

     

    Everyone ignores Rick.

     

                        DAYNA

    You know what I‘m talking about. So when did you ask her out?

     

                        CASEY

    We’ve been goin out for a day now.

     

                        DAYNA

    You two going to the dance together then?

     

                        CASEY

    You know it! How about you, Dayna? Got yourself a date yet?

     

                        DAYNA

    I’m keeping my options open.

     

                        CASEY

    Well, look no further than the paper station.

     

    Stoners all perk up at the statement.

     

                        DAYNA

    Really?

     

    She turns and looks seductively sideways at Brian.

     

                        CHRIS

    You’ve got five seconds to get out of here and on your routes. This ain’t a pick up bar.

     

                        RICK

    What were we arguing about before?

     

                        DEAN

    Uhh, I think Hootie and the Blowfish.



    EXT. OUTSIDE PAPER STATION

     

    Casey and Brian are fixing paper bags and watching Dayna walk away.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s pretty nice. Not as good as Rachel, but pretty nice. Why didn’t you say something to her?

     

                        BRIAN

    What do you mean?

     

                        CASEY

    She wanted you to ask her to the dance.

     

                        BRIAN

    She was sorta looking at me.

     

                        CASEY

    You blew it, cheese-dick.

     

    A squad car drives into the station parking lot. OFFICER BRUCE AND OFFICER O’MALLEY (white, middle-aged) are inside.   

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Did you two see someone come by here on a snowmobile?

     

                        BRIAN

    A snowmobile? There’s no snow!

     

                        CASEY

    We didn’t see anything.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    What about the stoners inside?

     

                        BRIAN

    They don’t have a snowmobile.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Thanks for nothing.

     

    The squad car speeds off. Chris comes out of station.

                        CHRIS

    Whew! Thanks for covering for us.

     

                        CASEY

    You guys didn’t steal a snowmobile.

     

                        CHRIS

    Exactly!

     

    Chris goes back into the station.

     

                        BRIAN

    You know what, I did blow it!

     

                        CASEY

    Confidence is the key. It’s like with me and Rachel. I just asked her out and she said yes. Now she’s giving me hugs with her big tits. She’s a goddess.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, it’s just like that, Casey.

     

    Casey is standing there smiling in a tit-trance.

     

                        CASEY

    Tits! I’m the happiest man alive.



    INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA — LUNCH

     

    Casey is sitting at the table talking with Lamont.

     

                        CASEY

    And she gave me a hug, and I could totally feel those fluffy tits.

     

                        LAMONT

    A hug? If I wanted a hug, I’d hug my Rottweiler.

     

                        CASEY

    You have Rottweiler?

     

                        LAMONT

    That’s not the point, young playa. You gots ta be hittin the skins.

     

                        CASEY

    Like you and your Rottweiler?

     

    LAMONT

    I save my lovin for the ladies. Speakin of fine ladies, here go Missy. Baby, you looking for some dark meat?

                        MISSY

    That’s sexual harassment, and I don’t have to take it.

     

                        LAMONT

    If you took it, it would be good.

     

                        MISSY

    In your dreams.

     

                        LAMONT

    I gotta go get my lunch. I ain’t got time fo this jibber jabber.

     

                        CASEY

    Grab my lunch too, Mr. T.

     

    Lamont leaves to go get lunches.

     

                        CASEY

    What’s up, Missy?

     

                        MISSY

    I just came over to say hi, and Rachel asked me to give you this note.

     

    Casey excitedly takes note and begins to read. Camera shows note on screen. It has several large, bold acronyms, like XXOO, KIT, BFF/JK, BYOB ASAP, WBS, etc.

     

                        CASEY

    What’s all this jibber jabber?

     

                        MISSY

    She could have put a little more effort into a note to her boyfriend.

     

                        CASEY

    It’s the thought that counts.

     

                        MISSY

    I think Rachel gets whatever she wants without putting much effort in.

           

                CASEY

    Whoa, take a Midol!

     

    Lamont comes back with the lunches.

     

                        LAMONT

    You still here, sweet-stuff?

     

    Missy leaves in a huff.

     

                        CASEY

    I’ll talk to you later.

     

                        LAMONT

    She was all up on the L-tip.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, she’s sweatin you pretty hard.

     

                        LAMONT

    A note, let me see!

     

    Lamont reads over the note for a few seconds.

     

                        LAMONT

    Now, this here’s some jibber-jabber.

     

                        CASEY

    Just gimme my lunch, T.

     

                        LAMONT

    You got Fun Dip? Yo mamma give you that? Does she know how you act? Let me do you a favor, I trade you for this Moon Pie.

     

                        CASEY

    What’s a Moon Pie?

     

                        LAMONT

    C’mon man, you gonna like it. It’s good.

     

    Casey takes the treat and eats it.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, this is good. I’ve never seen these. Where’d you get them?

     

                        LAMONT

    My grandma get em at a little shop in the ghetto. You can’t get em nowheres else.

     

                        CASEY

    Are you telling me I can’t get these anywhere but in the ghetto?

     

                        LAMONT

    That’s right!




    INTERCUT – INT. CASEY’S KITCHEN / RACHEL’S ROOM — AFTER SCHOOL

     

    Casey and Rachel are talking on the phone.

     

                        RACHEL

    I hope you didn’t spend too much on me for Christmas. I think you’re really gonna like what I got you.

     

                        CASEY

    What did you get me?

     

                        RACHEL

    I’m not telling you.

     

                        CASEY

    Can I get a hint?

     

                        RACHEL

    I don’t have the time right now.

     

                        CASEY

    I understand, you gotta get going, but I’m not going to tell you what I got, either.

     

                        RACHEL

    That’s fine. I’m sure it will be really nice if it’s from you.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s right. I think I know what you like. I better get going now.

     

                        RACHEL

    OK, I’ll see you tomorrow at school. I’ll write you a note.

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, that’ll be great. Bye.




        INTERCUT – CASEY’S KITCHEN / MISSY’S LIVING ROOM

     

    Casey hangs up and starts dialing right away. Missy answers phone.

     

                        MISSY

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    What did Rachel get me for Christmas?



                        MISSY

    Is that why you’re calling me, Casey?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, what did she get me?

                        MISSY

    I’m not telling you. I promised I wouldn’t tell.

     

                        CASEY

    C’mon Missy, I’m not going to say anything.

     

                        MISSY

    If I tell you, what’s in it for me?

     

                        CASEY

    I’ve got mistletoe in my pants for you, sweetheart.

     

                        MISSY

    You better check again. I don’t think there’s anything in your pants.

     

                        CASEY

    Just tell me what she got me!

     

                        MISSY

    OK, fine, she got you a watch.

     

                        CASEY

    You mean like a cheap watch? What kind of watch?

     

                        MISSY

    No, it’s kinda nice, like sixty bucks. I think you’ll like it.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t have sixty bucks to spend on her.



                        MISSY

    You better have sixty bucks; she’s shallow. Why don’t you just mooch some more cash off the paper boy?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t think Brian will give me any more money. I’ll figure something out.



    INT. MALL — DAY

     

    Casey and Brian are standing outside of a store talking.

     

                        BRIAN

                    (exasperated)

    You’re not getting any more money!

     

                        CASEY

    C’mon man, you know I’m good for it. I’ll be getting all kinds of loot from my gramma for Christmas. Just thirty dollars.

     

                        BRIAN

    Here’s fifteen. That puts you at fifty you owe me.

     

                        CASEY

    Fine, that gives me thirty-five to spend on Rachel.

     

    Video montage of Casey and Brian searching through the stores for gift ideas as seasonal music plays. The montage includes: a handbag (Casey’s modeling them); bad jewelry, including a broach (Brian tries on some clip-on earrings); video games (Brian points out a hockey game); soaps and lotions (Brian and Casey spray some at each other); lingerie (Dad is once again eating an ice cream cone and looking at underwear); Santa is in the bathroom smoking a cigarette and drinking out of a flask.

     

    Casey pays for a stuffed koala bear at a nature store.

     

                        BRIAN

    I can’t believe you dropped thirty-five bucks for a stuffed koala bear.

     

                        CASEY

    It’ll be well worth it if it makes Rachel happy. She loves koala bears.



                        BRIAN

    I thought you told me earlier that she liked panda bears, and that’s koala.

     

                        CASEY

    I said she liked bears.

     

                        BRIAN

    A koala bear isn’t even a bear; it’s a marsupial.

     

                        CASEY

    Why do they call it a bear then?

     

                        BRIAN

    It really doesn’t matter. It’s just not a bear.

     

                        CASEY

    You think I should take it back?

     

                        BRIAN

                    (sarcastically)

    Yeah, take it back and get her that broach.

     

                        CASEY

    My gramma has a broach like that, and she loves it.

     

                        BRIAN

    But your grandma uses the broach to hold up her tits that hang down to her ankles.

     

                        CASEY

    Don’t talk about my grams that way. Let’s just get this thing wrapped and get out of here.



    INT. CLASSROOM—FRIDAY BEFORE THE DANCE – DAY

     

    Casey and Missy are talking to each other.

     

                        MISSY

    What did you get Rachel last night?

     

                        CASEY

    I got her the coolest stuffed koala bear.

     

                        MISSY

    You know, a koala’s not even a bear.

     

                        CASEY

    I now, Brian told me. It’s a marsexual.



                        MISSY

    Well, there’s a reliable source.

     

    Lamont comes into the room and heads to his seat.

     

                        LAMONT

    Damn Missy! Did your mama shrink that skirt, or did your ass just get bigger?

     

    Missy shakes her head in accustomed disappointment.

     

                        MISSY

    Shut up Lamont.

     

                        LAMONT

     

    Racist!

     

                        CASEY

                    (ignoring Lamont)

    So you don’t think she’ll like the koala?

     

                        MISSY

    Well, she does have a collection of stuffed bears, not marsupials, but she’s so damn dumb that you’re probably in the clear.

     

                        CASEY

    Are you sure you two are best friends?

     

    Mr. Starkey enters the room as the bell sounds. The students continue to talk.

     

    1.             STARKEY

    OK everybody, settle down. I know the that dance is this weekend and you’re all excited, but there are fractions to be done. Mr. Keigelmussel, you can stop talking to Rachel. I’m sure she’ll save you a dance.

     

                        LAMONT

                        (low)

    Oh shit.

     

                        CASEY

                        (loud)

    Not if I break both of his legs with my baseball bat.



    1.             STARKEY

    Had this been baseball season, I might have let that tirade slide, Casey. You know where the door is.

     

    Casey collects his things and begins to leave.

     

                        LAMONT

    Yo, want me to take notes for you?

     

                        CASEY

    Oh yeah, that’s a great idea.



    INT. HALLWAY OF SCHOOL — DAY

     

    Casey’s in the hall, sitting down and eating a bear claw. Rachel comes out of the classroom.

     

                        RACHEL

    Where’d you get that bear claw?

     

                        CASEY

    The office ladies have kinda taken a liking to me.

     

                        RACHEL

    You’re not mad at me?

                        CASEY

                        (thinks)

    No, but I hate that Keigelmussel.

     

                        RACHEL

    You know I don’t like Scott. You’re the guy for me, and you’ll get to see how much I like you during the dance. Maybe we’ll even sneak into the church.



    INT. CHURCH FOYER — SATURDAY NIGHT

     

    Casey, Brian, and Jeff are heading through the entrance to the basement, where the dance is being held.

     

                        CASEY

    Why does your dad always call us turkeys?

     

                        BRIAN

    He used to call us ass holes, but my mom made him stop.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey guys, I know someone who might be sneaking up to the church with Rachel tonight.

     

                        BRIAN

    Keigelmussel?

     

                        CASEY

    Chuckle it up, blue balls. That’ll be me!

     

                        JEFF

    Well, call the Pope!



                        BRIAN

    Isn’t it kinda awkward to make out in a church?

     

                        CASEY

    We use the confessionals.

     

                        JEFF

    Catholics!



    INT. CHURCH BASEMENT — NIGHT

     

    The gleesome threesome enter the dance, trying to look as cool as possible, surveying the landscape.

     

                        JEFF

    I’m supposed to be meeting the twins over by where those two fat girls are.

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, by the vending area. You better go over there and wait for them.

     

    Jeff leaves excitedly for the vending area.

     

                        BRIAN

    Don’t you think we shoulda told him?

     

                        CASEY

    Naw, he’ll figure it out. Hey, there’s Rachel.

     

    Casey and Brian head over to where Rachel and Missy are hanging out.

     

                        RACHEL

    Hey Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    You look so great!

     

    Missy rolls her eyes a bit and has a disgusted look.

     

                        RACHEL

    Thanks, you look really nice, too.

     

                        BRIAN

    But he smells bad.

     

    Brian alone laughs.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey Missy, you look OK, too.

     

                        MISSY

    Yeah, thanks a lot.

     

                        RACHEL

    This song’s ending. Are you ready to dance?

     

    The song ends.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah!

     

    The new song begins, and it’s hip hop.

     

                        CASEY

    No!

     

    Lamont is busy breaking it down with Dayna, Lesley, and some other girl.

     

    Casey and Rachel dance when a slow song plays. They are really close. Brian and Missy are dancing, kind of far apart, and he’s looking at Dayna, who’s dancing with Keigelmussel. Missy’s watching Casey and Rachel. Lamont and some other girl are dancing. Jeff is dancing with both of the twins, and they’re grabbing his ass.

     

                        CASEY

    So, are you having fun?

     

                        RACHEL

    Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this all week.



                        CASEY

    I’ve been thinking about you all week.

     

    Brian and Missy are dancing together across the room, discussing two separate couples.

     

                        BRIAN

    Man, she’s looking good tonight!

     

                        MISSY

    Those two don’t look good together.

     

                        BRIAN

    He’d never treat her like I could.

     

                        MISSY

    I could so make him happier.

     

                        BRIAN

    What, you like Keigelmussel too?

     

                        MISSY

    I’m talking about Casey.

       

                        BRIAN

    Oh, well I was talking about Dayna.

     

                        MISSY

    This dance sucks.

     

    Scott and Dayna dance beyond earshot of the others.

     

                        SCOTT

    You know, I’m probably gonna buy my uncle’s Mustang GT from him soon. He’ll be my coach next year, and he said I’ll make JV easy.

     

                        DAYNA

    Oh, that’s really nice.



                        SCOTT

    Yeah, my dad’s sending me to a camp this summer to improve my skills.

     

                        DAYNA

    My oldest sister went to a fat camp once.

     

                        SCOTT

    I don’t understand how people can let themselves go like those two.

     

    Scott points at the Twinkie Twins, who are dancing with Jeff.

     

                        SARA

    Is this your first blind date?

     

                        JEFF

    Oh, no.

     

                        DEBBIE

    Aren’t you glad Casey and your other friend hooked us up?

     

                        JEFF

    They’re not my friends anymore.

     

                        DEBBIE

    What happened?

     

                        JEFF

    Those two lie about a lot of things.

     

                        SARA

    I know what you mean. We weren’t in school for the first two weeks last year, and Casey said we were at a fat camp.

     

                        DEBBIE

    It was really a health and fitness camp.

     

                        SARA

    You can ask Dayna’s sister; she was there, too.

     

                        JEFF

    Really? I’m a strong supporter of fitness. I just passed the Presidential Fitness Challenge, and I have the award on my wall.

     

    The song is ending.

     

                        RACHEL

    I gotta go talk with Missy; I’ll be back in a sec. Maybe we can sneak upstairs.

     

                        CASEY

    I’ll meet you by the door.

     

    Casey goes to the door, and Brian meets him there.

     

                        BRIAN

    How was dancing with Rachel?

     

                        CASEY

    It was so good. She was all up on me, and I could feel her tits through my shirt.

     

    Casey grabs his shirt and smells it.

     

                        CASEY

    This shirt smells just like Rachel. I’m never washing it again.

     

                        BRIAN

    Of course you’re not. You’re mom washes your clothes.

     

    Lamont comes over to the guys.

     

                        LAMONT

    Did you see me gettin my groove on wit that girl?

     

                        CASEY

    Better hope her dad doesn’t see it. He’s white trash.

     

                        LAMONT

    Shit, you all white trash!

     

                        CASEY

    But he’s white trash with a gun.

     

                        LAMONT

    Sup, Brian? How you and my brothers at the public school?

     

                        BRIAN

    Just fine. I’m not paying any tuition, anyhow.

     

                        LAMONT

    Sounds good. Casey, you dance like a … white guy.

     

                        CASEY

    I am a white guy.

     

                        LAMONT

    You sho is. You and Rachel was looking good together, though. Mind if I get a dance wif her?

     

    Casey gives Lamont a little friendly punch in the shoulder.

     

                        CASEY

    Where is she, anyhow?

     

                        LAMONT

    Last I seen, she was talking to Missy.

     

    Dayna walks over to where the guys are.

     

                        LAMONT V.O.

    Oh, Miss Dayna! Girl, you gots tits from heaven.

     

                        CASEY

    Dayna, you comin over here to ask Brian to dance?

     

    Brian perks up a bit at this comment, though somewhat embarrassed.

     

                        DAYNA

    No, I wanted to let you know that Rachel and Missy just got into a big fight, and Rachel’s in the bathroom crying.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, there’s a big surprise!

     

                        CASEY

    I gotta get into the girls’ bathroom. Brian, let’s go.

     

    Brian and Casey leave.

     

                        LAMONT

    That leaves you and me, sweetness.

     

                        DAYNA

    Fine Lamont, let’s dance.



    INT. HALLWAY NEXT TO WHERE DANCE IS HELD

     

    Brian and Casey are plotting near the girls’ bathroom.

     

                        CASEY

    Alright, Brian, you gotta distract the chaperone at the table over there. And make sure that no one else comes into the bathroom.

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

    Brian walks over to the OLD LADY at the table.



                        BRIAN

    Hi, I’m Lutheran, sort of, but I’d like to learn more about Catholicism.

     

    Casey sneaks into the bathroom as the old lady is distracted.

     

                        OLD LADY

    Great! Let’s start with the Rosary.



    INT. GIRLS’ BATHROOM - NIGHT

     

    Casey looks around and sees Rachel by the sink fixing her makeup.

     

                        RACHEL

    Casey, get out of here. You’re gonna get in trouble.

     

                        CASEY

    Is everything OK?

     

                        RACHEL

    You shouldn’t worry about it.



                        CASEY

    I heard you and Missy got into a fight.  

     

                        RACHEL

    (frustrated)

    Everything’s fine. I’ll see you later outside.

     

                        CASEY

    But how do I get out of here?

     

                        RACHEL

    Wait in the stall, and I’ll be right back to get you.

     

    Rachel leaves, and Casey waits in the stall. Time passes by (a few minutes). The bathroom door opens. Casey peeks through the crack and sees Lesley coming in. Casey gets up on the toilet to hide, and Lesley enters the stall next to him. She quickly begins assaulting the toilet with some serious diarrhea. Casey is grossed out and smells it, and tries to stop himself from gagging as he cups his hands over his face. After Lesley abuses the toilet, she washes her hands and leaves. Casey waits a few seconds, makes his way to the door, and sees Brian in front of the old lady, making the sign of the cross. Casey exits the bathroom and walks over to the pair.






    INT. HALLWAY NEXT TO WHERE DANCE IS HELD

     

                        BRIAN

    So it’s like this?

     

                        OLD LADY

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    Brian, I’ve been looking all over for you!

     

                        BRIAN

    I was just talking to this nun.

     

                        OLD LADY

    I’m not a nun; I’m just a volunteer chaperone.

     

                        BRIAN

    Not a nun! This has been a total waste of my time! Let’s go, Casey.

     

    Casey and Brian walk back towards the dance. Casey looks visibly distraught and confused as he scans the room for Rachel.

     

                        BRIAN

    What just happened to you?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t even know where to start. Where’s Rachel?

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t know where Rachel is, but I do know that the Papacy was in Avignon, France for around two hundred years.

     

                        CASEY

    Who cares?

     

                        BRIAN

    Well that old bag that I had to talk to for ten minutes while you were getting your jollies in the bathroom sure seemed to care.

     

                        CASEY

    There is something I need to tell you about what happened in the bathroom, but I just need to find Rachel right now.

     

                        BRIAN

    Alright, let’s find her.





    INT. CHURCH BASEMENT DANCE ROOM

     

    Casey and Brian enter the room with the dance. They are both looking around to try to spot Rachel. They see Jeff with the Twinkies.



                        CASEY

    Hey Jeff, you seen Rachel?

     

                        JEFF

    Oh you two can stick it!

     

                        BRIAN

    Have fun walkin home, chief.

     

    Casey and Brian see Lamont and approach him.

     

                        CASEY

    Lamont, have you seen Rachel.

     

                        LAMONT

    You do not have yo woman in check!

     

                        CASEY

    What you talking bout?

     

                        BRIAN V.O.

     

  •  

     

                        LAMONT

    Just look over to yo right, fool.

     

    Casey looks over his left shoulder and sees Jeff with the Twinkies.

     

                        LAMONT

    Yo right, dumb ass!

     

    Casey looks over his right shoulder and sees Rachel dancing with Keigelmussel. Camera zooms in on Casey, and he is visibly instantly heartbroken.

     

                        LAMONT

    Now, if I was you, I’d be kickin his ass. But, honestly, I’s glad I ain’t you.

     

    Casey just continues to stare at the couple.

     

                        BRIAN

    Casey, are you okay?

     

    Casey says nothing.

     

                        LAMONT

    If you does wanna kick his ass, we gots yo back.

     

    Casey turns and walks out.

     

                        LAMONT

    You fixin ta talk to him?

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

                        LAMONT

    Cause someone needs to talk to him, and I think it oughtsta be you.

     

    Brian exits upstairs.

     

                        JEFF

    (to Twinkies)

    Brian and Casey just snuck upstairs. They’re well-known gay lovers.

     

    The Twinkies laugh at their beau’s funny comment.




    EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT - NIGHT

     

    Casey sitting on curb by church, staring into space. Brian sits down next to him in silence for a moment.

     

                        CASEY

    That filthy prick!

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    And Rachel, how could she be such a bitch?

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    She just left me in the bathroom. She just left me in there, and then she started dancing with Keigelmussel. Of all the guys she could have left me for, why him?

     

                        BRIAN

    You know Casey, you can’t be sure what really happened. There could be a good reason they’re together. You should talk to her about it.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t want to talk to her. I spent the last four years chasing after her. I thought she was the girl of my dreams.

     

                        BRIAN

    I still think you should talk to her.

     

                        CASEY

    Forget it; I’m through with her.

     

    INT. BRIAN’S BASEMENT - NIGHT

     

    Brian is playing video games and Casey is on the phone with Missy.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, Missy, I wanna talk to her, but I’m not calling her.

     

    I don’t care if someone requested a song for them. I’m not calling her. She can call me. Call me back after you talk to her. Later.

     

    Casey slams down the phone and moves towards Brian.

     

                        CASEY

    I wonder if Rachel’s still awake.

     

                        BRIAN

    Why don’t you just call her and find out?

     

                        CASEY

    I’m not calling her.

     

                        BRIAN

    Fine, don’t call her, and don’t talk about her either.

     

                        CASEY

    Sure, I can do that. Let’s just play football.

     

    There is a knocking on the window.

     

                        BRIAN

    Maybe it’s Rachel.

     

                        CASEY

    She doesn’t know where you live.

     

    Brian opens the window. Jeff enters.

     

                        JEFF

    You two made me walk home.



                        BRIAN

    You really walked home?

     

                        JEFF

    No, but if I hadn’t gotten a ride from Sara and Debbie’s dad… he sells insurance and he’s really nice.

     

                        BRIAN

    Whose dad?

     

                        JEFF

    The Twinkies.

     

                        CASEY

    So, met their father already, hey Jeff?

     

                        JEFF

    What’s the matter with you Casey; no fat jokes?



                        BRIAN

    He’s had a rough night.

     

                        JEFF

    Oh yeah, Keigelmussel. Have you talked to her about that yet?

     

                        BRIAN

    He refuses to call her.

     

                        JEFF

    That’s no way to solve a problem. You need to open the lines of communication.

     

                        CASEY

    Let’s just forget about it.

     

                        JEFF

    Speaking of smoking-hot chicks; did you two see Lesley at the dance?

     

                        CASEY

    Speaking of smoking-hot diarrhea, I did see Lesley at the dance.

     

                        JEFF

    What?

     

                        CASEY

    Listen guys, I’m not even really in the mood, but what I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room.

     

                        JEFF

    You mean like G-12 Classified?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, something like that. You know that I was left stranded in the girls’ bathroom, and…

     

                        JEFF

    I didn’t know that.

     

                        CASEY

    Well I was, Jeff. And while I was hiding in the stall, Lesley came in to use the bathroom. But she didn’t just use the bathroom, she destroyed it.

     

                        BRIAN

    What do you mean?

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, you know what I mean. It was an explosion, like when your dad eats chili.

     

                        BRIAN

    Euh!

     

    Both Brian and Jeff are grossed out.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s right. And the smell—I’ll never look at her the same again.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, did she wash her hands?

     

                        CASEY

    Yes she did, but that’s not really important.



                        JEFF

    Yes it is. Hand washing is the best way to prevent germs from spreading.

     

                        CASEY

    What are you two thinking about? Lesley had big-time diarrhea and I was stuck in there.

     

                        BRIAN

    That is pretty sick. I’m gonna need a couple of weeks before I can think about doing her again.

     

                        JEFF

    Man, Casey, you did have a terrible night. Let’s play football.

     

    EXT. PAPER ROUTE — DAY

     

    Casey and Brian are walking the route together, Brian with both paper bags.

     

                        BRIAN

    School starts again in a couple of days, and you’re gonna have to see her then, so you best straighten things out quick.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m holding out… She should call me.

     

                        BRIAN

    I just can’t believe she hasn’t dumped you yet.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah. Hey, how’s that basketball game you got for Christmas?

     

                        BRIAN

    I’m entering the first round of the playoffs and my field goal percentage is around 70%.

     

                        CASEY

    I think I’m gonna kick your ass tonight.

     

                        BRIAN

    I believe my record is seven and one against you, and that one loss is when you took it off pause when I went upstairs to get some snacks. And that’s just wrong.

     

    Casey sees Mrs. Addelmann on a ladder next to a tree, picking leaves. She is only wearing a bra. Casey points at her.

     

                        CASEY

    No, that’s just wrong!

     

    Casey and Brian continue staring in disbelief.

     

                        BRIAN

    Mrs. Addelmann, it’s just way too cold to be out here in your bra.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    These leaves won’t come off the tree, Warren.

     

                        BRIAN

    Sometimes you just need to let nature take its course.



                        CASEY

    Like in a nursing home.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    Hold the ladder, Warren. I’m coming down.

     

    She climbs down the ladder.

     

                        BRIAN

    Let’s get you inside, ma’am.

     

    Casey and Brian take the old lady into her house.



    INT. MRS. ADDELMANN’S HOUSE — AFTERNOON

     

    Casey and Brian immediately smell something nasty.

     

                        CASEY

    Do you smell something, Brian? Like a dead cat?

     

                        BRIAN

    What?

     

                        CASEY

    (pointing at dead cat)

    Like a dead cat.

     

                        BRIAN

    (poking cat)

    Ooh, Mr. Whiskers!

     

                        CASEY

    Let’s kick him under the couch.

     

                        BRIAN

    We can’t do that!

     

                        CASEY

    I guess we hafta take him with us. Put him in your bag.

     

                        BRIAN

    I’m not picking him up.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t wanna touch it.

     

                        BRIAN

    (looking around)

    Just use the oven mitts on the VCR.

     

                        CASEY

    On the VCR?

                        BRIAN

    Is that really surprising?

     

    Casey grabs cat with oven mitts, and puts it in the bag.

     

                        BRIAN

    Goodbye, Mrs. Addelmann. Stay inside.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    You two are such nice boys. If I was 50 years younger, I’d be chasing you around like a hot-to-trot vixen. Want some cake?

     

                        CASEY

    No, we better get going.

     

    Casey and Brian hide the ladder outside behind some bushes as they leave.



    EXT. PARKING LOT OF PAPER STATION — AFTERNOON

     

    The stoners are out in the parking lot frolicking about, making snow angels, throwing snowballs at each other. Rick’s cigarette is knocked out of his mouth by Dean, and Rick chases him, administering a face-wash. Manager comes out into the lot.



                        MANAGER

    All right stoners, back to work.

    (to Casey and Brian)

    What are you two homos doing here?

     

                        BRIAN

    I need another paper.

     

                        CHRIS

    You don’t need another paper. Dayna gets up here everyday at 3:30. She’s inside. Go for it!

     

    Casey and Brian enter paper station, followed by stoners and manager.



    INT PAPER STATION — AFTERNOON

     

    Casey and Brian walk over to Dayna.

     

                        DAYNA

    What’s that smell?

     

                        MANAGER

    Yeah, what is that smell?



                        BRIAN

    I don’t smell anything.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t wanna let the cat out of the bag, Dayna, but Brian got a little pussy today.



                        DAYNA

    I hope that’s not what the smell is.

     

                        CHRIS

    Nope, nope. Don’t smell like that.

     

                        DAYNA

    Normally I’d stay and talk with you two, but you stink.

     

    Dayna starts to leave, but the door swings open, and BRETT walks into the station, looking like he belongs on a private college campus.

     

                        BRETT

    I’m looking for Casey.

     

    Everyone looks at Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    Why you all looking at me?

     

                        BRETT               

    You Casey?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, I guess so.

     

                        BRETT

    Let’s step outside, punk.

     

    Casey reluctantly follows Brett, and everyone else follows.



    EXT. PAPER STATION PARKING LOT — AFTERNOON

     

                        BRETT

    You’ve been talking shit about my girlfriend.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t know what you’re talking about.

     

                        BRETT

    You said my girlfriend had diarrhea.



                        DEAN

    That really is talking shit.

     

                        CASEY

    Well, she did, and I didn’t tell anyone except for…

     

    Casey turns to Brian, and Brett hits Casey as he’s turned. The normal fight cheering ensues.

     

                        DAYNA

    Aren’t you gonna do something, Brian?

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, this is Casey’s fight.

    (loud, to Casey)

    Kick him in the nuts!

     

    Casey gets in a couple of punches here and there, but he essentially takes a pummeling. Casey falls down into the fetal position and gets kicked in the side.

     

                        MANAGER

    Alright ladies, let’s get back to work.

    (to Brett and Casey)

    And you two get off paper station property before I call the cops.

     

                        BRETT

    (to Casey)

    Don’t make me beat you down again, punk.

     

    Brett gets into his SUV and drives away. Brian, Dayna, and Chris go over to Casey.

     

                        DAYNA

    Are you OK?

     

                        CASEY

     

  •  

     

                        BRIAN

    He’ll be fine. Just let him lay there a while.

     

                        CHRIS

    Hey Brian, your friend want a smoke?

     

                        BRIAN

    Oh, he doesn’t smoke menthols.

     

    Chris goes back into the station.

     

                        CASEY

    Uhh, take me home.

                        BRIAN

    Can you walk?



                        CASEY

    I don’t know.

     

                        BRIAN

    Here, get in Dayna’s wagon. Dayna, this is a medical emergency and I’m gonna have to commandeer your wagon. You can use my bags over there.

     

    Brian loads Casey into the wagon and they take off. They are a few seconds down the block when they hear Dayna scream.

     

                        BRIAN

    I guess the cat’s out of the bag.

     

    Brian and Casey both laugh, though Casey is in obvious pain.



    INTERCUT – INT. CASEY’S ROOM / RACHEL’S ROOM — NIGHT

     

    Casey is laying on his bed with an ice pack on his eye, the phone rings, but he does not answer it.

     

                        CASEY’S MOM V.O.

    Casey, it’s for you.

     

    Casey slowly picks up phone.

     

                        CASEY

    Hello?

     

                        RACHEL

    Hi Casey.

     

                        CASEY

    Rachel. It’s a surprise to hear from you.

     

                        RACHEL

    We need to talk.

     

                        CASEY

    I’d say it’s about time.

     

                        RACHEL

    It’s been two weeks, and you haven’t even talked to me.

     

                        CASEY

    A real girlfriend wouldn’t leave me in the bathroom to dance with Keigelmussel.

                        RACHEL

    I don’t want to talk about that right now.

     

                        CASEY

    But you at least owe me an apology.

     

                        RACHEL

    We’re past apologies.

     

                        CASEY

    What’s that supposed to mean?

     

                        RACHEL

    That means you haven’t talked to me in two weeks, and I don’t think things are working out.

     

    Casey sits in silence.

     

                        RACHEL

    I think we just need some time apart.

     

                        CASEY

    We’ve had two weeks…

     

                        RACHEL

    I need to sort things out.

     

                        CASEY

    What are you trying to say?

     

                        RACHEL

    Maybe we shouldn’t be together right now.

     

                        CASEY

    You mean you’re dumping me?

     

                        RACHEL

    (emotional)

    If that’s what you want to call it. I’m sorry, I just can’t talk anymore.

     

    Rachel hangs up.

     

                        CASEY

    But Rachel!

     

    Casey sits in silence a few more seconds, and then he picks up the phone to call Brian.

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    She dumped me.

                                    BRIAN

    Well you haven’t talked to her for two weeks. What did you expect?

     

                        CASEY

    It’s not just my fault. She didn’t talk to me, either. What should I do now?

     

                        BRIAN

    It’s 10 p.m. You should go to sleep.

     

                        CASEY

    I can’t sleep now.

     

                        BRIAN

    We’ll do something to cheer you up tomorrow.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, this has been a really bad day.

     

                        BRIAN

    What did you tell your mom about getting your ass kicked?

     

                        CASEY

    I just told her she should have seen the other guy. I can’t believe she dumped me.

     

                        BRIAN

    Dude, we’ll get together tomorrow. I’ve got a game on pause.

     

                        CASEY

    All right.

     

    Casey hangs up and lays in bed, too depressed to even masturbate.



    EXT. PAPER STATION PARKING LOT — AFTERNOON

     

    Brian is waiting for Casey in parking lot. Chris comes out of station for a cigarette.

     

                        CHRIS

    What are you still doing here?

     

                        BRIAN

    Just waitin for Casey. We’re going sledding.

     

                        CHRIS

    That must be fun for you two.

     

    Casey arrives in the parking lot.

     

                        CASEY

    So what’s the big plan for tonight?

     

                        BRIAN

    We’re going sledding. Tiffany’s gonna be there.

     

                        CHRIS

    Stiff Tiff. She’s a tease, man.

     

                        CASEY

    She’s still a chick.

     

                        CHRIS

    Yeah. (ponders it; lights up)

    Hey, you guys have to go around back and check out our wicked-cool snow cat.

     

                        CASEY

    Snow cat?

     

    Casey and Brian walk around back and see a snowman with Mr. Whiskers acting as the head, sporting sunglasses and a cigarette. The snow cat has a beer can in one hand and a newspaper under the other arm.

     

                        BRIAN

    Mr. Whiskers!



    EXT. HILL IN PARK — DUSK

     

    Casey, Brian, Amy, Tiffany, Julie, Anne are standing at the top of the hill.

     

                        ANNE

    Wow! I can’t believe you got your ass kicked and dumped in the same day. How’d that go for you?

     

                        CASEY

    Just fine.

     

                        AMY

    Anne, I told you to be nice to these losers.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, I didn’t get dumped and beat up in the same day.

     

                        AMY

    OK, none of you have to be nice to that loser.                     (points at Brian)

     

                        CASEY

    Are we gonna go sledding or what?

     

                        TIFFANY

    Actually, we’re sort of waiting for some friends. You can go down if you want.



                        CASEY

    That would be my pleasure.

     

                        AMY

    She means get lost.

     

    Casey and Brian sled down hill. As they are coming back up the hill, they notice that two senior guys, SENIOR 1 AND SENIOR 2, have showed up on the hill to be with the girls. The two are smoking cigarettes and passing a bottle in a brown bag around. Casey and Brian go stand in the circle of people.

     

                        SENIOR 1

    What are you two dorks looking at?

     

                        AMY

    That’s my little brother and his goofy friend.

     

                        SENIOR 2

    You guys want some blackberry brandy?

     

                        AMY

    (nervous)

    They don’t really have any alcohol, Brian.

     

                        SENIOR 2

    Yeah, right. (takes big swig)

     

                        SENIOR 1

    (to Casey)

    What happened to you? Get in a cat fight?

     

                        ANNE

    No, didn’t you hear?  Brett kicked his butt yesterday.

     

                        SENIOR 1

    You mean that sophomore who throws those ragin’ parties? His parents are loaded!



                        TIFFANY

    I think he’s kind of a jerk, though.

     

                        CASEY

    I agree.

     

                        SENIOR 2

    Well, he’s a jerk who put a hurtin on you. C’mon ladies, are we going down or what?

     

    Senior 2 grabs Anne; Senior 1 grabs Julie; Amy and Tiff are on the other sled. They all head down the hill.

     

                        CASEY

    Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, Tiff’s hot!

     

                        CASEY

    No, not that I disagree, but let’s take those clowns out.

     

    Brian nods, and the two go blazing down the hill in their snow tubes. Casey aims for Senior 1 and Anne, hitting mostly Anne. Brian aims for Senior 2, but hits mostly Julie. The senior guys are laughing at the two girls who got nailed, but Amy and her friends are angry.

     

                        AMY

    (to Brian; Casey)

    Have fun walking home!

     

    The girls and the Senior guys walk back up the hill. Casey and Brian are left sitting at the bottom. Casey catches a glimpse of something a little ways down the hill (the bottle of booze).

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, there goes our ride.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, but on the bright side…

     

    Casey points to where the bottle of brandy has come to rest in the snow. Casey and Brian are impressed with their discovery, but before they grab it, they hear the loud whine of a snowmobile nearing them. Derek Mack is flying down the hill, towing a popular arcade game towards the pond.

     

                        BRIAN

    He’s gonna try to take the pond!



                        CASEY

    He’ll never make it with that weight!

     

    Halfway across the pond, the arcade game begins sinking. He keeps dragging it for a couple of seconds, but realizes that the weight is too much for the ice. He quickly stops the snowmobile, grabs a hunting hatchet from a bag, and chops the chain. D-Mack looks over to Brian and Casey and gives both of them the finger. He speeds off on the snowmobile as sirens are blaring. Cop car drives down road near bottom of hill and pond. The car stops. Officer Bruce and O’Malley are inside the vehicle.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Afternoon, boys.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hello, sirs.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    We got a report that someone stole a video game from the arcade on Oak. You boys didn’t happen to see anything, did you?

     

                        CASEY

    Well, there is a video game sinking over there in the pond.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Sonuvabitch! Better call for backup. Tell them we need the dive squad. You see it go in?

     

                        BRIAN

    It was here when we walked up. We were just hangin out and watching it sink.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Real smart, boys. How’s about you sit here and watch it a little longer. We’ll be back in a few minutes to get your statements. We gotta go… uh…

     

                        O’MALLEY

    Look for clues.

     

    Police car leaves the scene of the crime.

     

                        CASEY

    We’re not sticking around here. Grab the booze and let’s go.

     

                        BRIAN

    Those two cops suck.



    INT. BRIAN’S BASEMENT — NIGHT

     

    The bottle of brandy looms ominously on the entertainment center. Brian, Casey, and Jeff are playing video games.

     

                        BRIAN

    You’re terrible, Jeff. Why don’t you just give up?

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, how about we prank someone?

     

                        JEFF

    How original! You mean for the fifth time tonight?

     

                        CASEY

    Well, what do you suggest we do?

     

                        JEFF

    How about if Brian’s sister comes down here and gives me a massage?

     

                        BRIAN

    You mean like the massage your sister gave me last week?

     

                        JEFF

    She’s eleven!

     

                        BRIAN

    No, your other sister. She’s ten.

     

                        JEFF

    You’re sick!

     

                        CASEY

    You know Jeff, your sisters do have potential. A few years from now they might be able to suck the boredom away, but we need to find something to do now.

     

                        JEFF

    (eventually; angry)

    It’s too bad Rachel can’t come over here and suck your boredom away!

     

                        BRIAN

    That’s pretty low, Jeff.

     

    Casey tackles Jeff and they roll around a bit. Jeff gets Casey in a headlock, and then Casey bites Jeff’s nipple.

     

                        JEFF

    Ahhh! You bit my nipple!

     

                        BRIAN

    Don’t bite his nipple!

     

    Brian breaks the two apart. Jeff rubs his nipple.

     

                        JEFF

    Man, I’m sorry, but why’d you bite my nipple?



                        CASEY

    Yeah, I shouldn’t’ve done that, but you know I get all riled up about Rachel.

     

                        BRIAN

    If you two are done gayin it up, what else are we gonna do?

     

    Casey looks around the room for inspiration, and eventually sees the bottle of alcohol. He looks as if the light bulb has been lit, and he talks to Brian.

     

                        CASEY

    Brian, why don’t you get the “shampoo?”

     

                        BRIAN

    (after a couple of seconds)

    Oh… the “shampoo.” OK.

     

    Brian walks over to the bottle of booze to retrieve it. Jeff is still confused as to the meaning of shampoo in the context of three guys hanging out together in a basement.

     

                        JEFF

    The shampoo?

     

                        CASEY

    Yes Jeff, magical shampoo.

     

    Brian brings the bottle over to Casey and Jeff. Casey grabs it lovingly.

     

                        JEFF

    Is that…booze? I can’t have booze!

     

                        CASEY

    Man, this stuff’s weak. It’s only 70 proof.

     

                        JEFF

    What’s proof?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t know, but this is weak.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, I think it means you’d have to drink 70 ounces of it for them to prove you’re drunk.

     

                        CASEY

    Isn’t it divided by two or something, though?

     

                        BRIAN

    I think that’s right. So it would take 35 ounces to get us drunk, and this bottle isn’t even full.

                        JEFF

    I think you’re both full of it. Your dad’s gonna come down here and find it, and he’s gonna call my dad, and I got Confirmation class in the morning. I’ll talk to you guys later.

     

    Jeff leaves the room. Casey and Brian are left alone with the sinful liquid beckoning them to partake in its wonders.

     

                        BRIAN

    So, do we mix this with something, or should we drink it alone.

     

                        CASEY

    You mean straight. Only losers drink alone; people who know about this stuff drink it straight. You better ask your dad what people do with this stuff.

     

    Casey and Brian walk upstairs (sans bottle) to ask Brian’s dad about mixing drinks. Dad is watching a basketball game on TV.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, dad! If someone had a bottle of blackberry brandy, would they want to mix it with something or drink it straight?

     

                        DAD

    That’s a silly question. You drink that straight!

     

                        BRIAN

    Thanks, dad. See ya later.

     

    Casey and Brian head back downstairs. They share the bottle, downing big gulps at a time. Various shots of them acting silly and immature, pointing and giggling at one another. Speech becomes somewhat slurred.




                        BRIAN

    So you’re telling me that you’d bang the meteorologist on Channel 7?

     

                        CASEY

    No, not Channel 7; That’s Dave Lentz. He’s got a hairy back.

     

                        BRIAN

                        (laughing)

    How would you even know that?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t know, but I said I’d do the meateaterologist on Channel 9.

                        BRIAN

    That slut! She’s had more bones buried in her than in a cemetery.

     

                        CASEY

    Don’t talk that way about Barbara!

     

                        BRIAN

    But Baba’s your mom’s age.

     

                        CASEY

    Brabra’s not my mom’s name!

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, if your mom was a few years younger…

     

                        CASEY

    Why don’t I just get off my mom because you just got off yours!

     

                        BRIAN

    Huh?

     

                        CASEY

    You know what I meant. I’m so glad we started drinking because I feel so much much better about life now.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, this drinking stuff is pretty cool, except there are more chicks when guys drink in movies. Jeff shoulda stuck around.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, wait a second! If Dayna lost her virginity, what kind of car would it be in?

     

                        BRIAN

    Hopefully in my dad’s van.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, I bet your dad would like that plenty. But I bet it would be a Buick LeSabre.

     

                        BRIAN

    Why?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t need a reason.

     

                        BRIAN

    OK, what about Missy?



                        CASEY

    A Porsche Boxter?

     

                        BRIAN

    She ain’t that classy. I’d say a Miata, maybe. Hey, what about the Twinkie Twins?

     

                        CASEY

    In Jeff’s backseat.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah dude, yeah! Jeff should have stuck around; this is a good time. I think the Twinkies would be in the back of a Lincoln Town Car. What about Rachel?

     

                        CASEY

    Dude, you name the fanciest, coolest, most luxurious and expensive car out there…

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t know.

     

                        CASEY

    You get Motor Trend. I’m talking leather seats, power everything, on-board computer, tach, climate control, vanity mirrors, cup holders. So what car is that?

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t know; maybe a BMW.    

    CASEY

    Maybe? You do get Motor Trend.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, I do. Why isn’t Jeff here?

     

                        CASEY

    I know! I know! This is SO cool!

     

                        BRIAN

    You wanna have another one?

     

                        CASEY

    Hell yeah!

     

                        BRIAN

    I’ll go get some food.

     

    Brian goes upstairs, once again, to discuss the possibilities with his father.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey daddy-o! If someone was eating blackberry brandy and they wanted something to drink, should they have some chips and salsa?

     

                        DAD

    They sure should, if they want to throw up.

     

                        BRIAN

    All right, thanks dad.

     

    Brian grabs the chips and salsa from the kitchen, heading downstairs with the food.

     

    Casey and Brian end up outside puking in the snow. Casey feels better almost immediately, and makes some snow angels, but Brian just wants to go in and go to bed.

     

                        BRIAN

    Jeff should have been here puking with us.



    EXT. PAPER ROUTE – DAY IN THE SPRINGTIME

     

    Casey and Brian are walking along on Brian’s route. They mosey past a house with Christmas lights still up, and they see a sprinkler watering Mrs. Addelmann’s house.

     

                        BRIAN

    Looks like Mrs. Addelmann’s watering her house again.

                        CASEY

    That’s one crazy old lady! I’m surprised she hasn’t blown that place up.

     

                        BRIAN

    People get old, man. Speaking of old, are you ready for the second-to-last year of our Little League Baseball careers that starts tomorrow?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, yeah, baseball starts tomorrow. Did you hear what I said before about Rachel dating Keigelmussel?

     

                        BRIAN

    I was actually trying to sidestep that whole issue.    

     

                        CASEY

    Well, I don’t have a choice, with those two rubbing it in my face everyday at school.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, transfer out then.

     

                        CASEY

    We’ve only got a month and a half left.

     

                        BRIAN

    Exactly! You need to let go of her. We’ve got vacation coming right up, and then we’ll be in high school. It’ll all blow over eventually.

     

                        CASEY

    But I just know that we’re supposed to be together.

     

                        BRIAN

    I think you just need to know when to fold ‘em.

     

                        CASEY

                        (sarcastically)

    Sorta like how you’ve given up on Dayna, Kenny?

     

                        BRIAN

    That’s different. She’s not currently dating anyone else, and she’s never actually rejected me.

     

                        CASEY

    Why don’t you do something about it then?

     

                        BRIAN

    I’m working on some new things right now.

     

    Brett and a buddy drive by in Brett’s SUV. The vehicle obviously belongs to Brett’s parents, but he drives it like he is some kind of a suburban pimp. The SUV makes a Y-turn in a driveway, and returns to where Casey and Brian are standing.

     

                        BRETT

    Hey, you two look thirsty. Why don’t you have some root beer?

     

    With this, Brett’s punk-ass friend launches a full big gulp cup of root beer at the unsuspecting duo. The mess pretty much misses Casey and Brian, but Brian’s paper bag is drenched in the sticky brown stuff. All of the papers inside are also wet. Casey picks up an ice cube and chucks it at the SUV.

     

                        BRIAN

    I so can’t deliver those papers now. The manager will have a fit when all the old-ass people call and complain. We gotta get back to the station before Dayna gets the last of the papers.

     

                        CASEY

    I hate that guy. We need to do something to get back at him.

                        BRIAN

    Well, when you got a plan, I’m in.



    EXT. PARKING LOT OUTSIDE PAPER STATION — DAY

     

    As the boys near, Dayna is leaving the station and heads towards them. Brian is disappointed that he won’t be getting the fresh new papers he needs, but happy that he gets to once again accidentally run into Dayna. She approaches the two.

     

                        DAYNA

    What happened to your bag? No dead animals, I hope.

     

                        BRIAN

    No, Brett threw root beer at us.

     

                        DAYNA

    That guy’s a real jerk!

     

                        CASEY

    One day, I’m gonna get that dick.

     

    Chris appears.

     

                        CHRIS

    I thought that’s what Brian was for.

     

                        BRIAN

    Why don’t you just go back into the station and get me another twenty papers, stoner?

     

                        CHRIS

    Why, did you miscount by twenty? Public school!

     

                        BRIAN

    No, Brett threw root beer at us. See my bag?

     

                        CHRIS

    That guy’s such a jerk! Now I have to run back over to the main station. Dayna took all but four papers. That preppy sonofabitch! If he ever comes up here to kick this guy’s ass [points at Casey] again, I’ll kick his.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, if you got a plan, we’re in.

     

    The distinct sound of a crotch-rocket begins to engulf the four young people in the parking lot. The noise gets louder and louder. Then, they can see Derek Mack (with his helmet over his face) on the motorcycle. Besides the helmet, he is only wearing boxers and socks. He does a stand-up, gives everyone the finger, and keeps on riding.

                                CASEY

    Was that Derek Mack, half-naked on a stolen crotch-rocket?

     

                        CHRIS

    You’re just assuming it was stolen.

     

                        BRIAN

    Think we should call somebody?

     

                        CASEY

    Better not. At least he was wearing a helmet.

     

    Pickup truck pulls into the station, and BILLY’S DAD, construction worker, rolls down the window.

     

                        BILLY’S DAD

    You kids see a half-naked punk on my crotch-rocket?

     

                        CHRIS

    No, sir.

     

                        BILLY’S DAD

    You two see anything?

     

    Casey and Brian shake their heads. Casey almost starts to laugh, but somehow keeps it in. Billy’s dad peels out of the lot, making a lot of noise as he leaves.

     

                        CASEY

    Is that Billy’s dad?

     

                        CHRIS

    I think I might have an idea!

     

                        BRIAN

    Incredible!

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, that’s really great, man.

     

                        CHRIS

    Do you two homos wanna get back at Brett or what?

     

                        BRIAN and CASEY

    We’re in!



    INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

     

    Casey and Missy are sitting together. Casey is staring at Rachel and Keigelmussel.

     

                        MISSY

    Why am I sitting next to you?

     

                        CASEY

    I think he just put his hand on her knee!

     

                        MISSY

    You know, I’m sitting right here, Casey. Why don’t you try to make her jealous?

     

                        CASEY

    Do you think that would work?

     

                        MISSY

    Probably not, since she hasn’t looked over here once.



                        CASEY

    I just don’t get it; I know she still likes me.

     

                        MISSY

    Yeah, maybe she’s just trying to make you jealous.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, that could be it.

     

                        MISSY

    Earth to Casey: she’s moved on.



                        CASEY

    Anybody but Keigelmussel!

     

    Lamont enters, possibly to theme to Sanford and Son.

     

                        LAMONT

    Is you two ready? We gonna have some sexy-ed next hour!

     

                        MISSY

    Sexy-ed?

     

                        LAMONT

    It’s like drivers’ ed, but with sex.

     

                        MISSY

    No it’s not. You don’t know anything about drivers’ ed, or sex ed.

     

                        LAMONT

    I know I was thinking you could come by where I stay and help with the sexy-ed homework!

                        MISSY

    You might as well get used to doing sex-ed homework by yourself.

     

                        LAMONT

    That’s cold. Casey. Man, you ain’t touched yo sandwich.

     

                        CASEY

    I lost my appetite when Keigelmussel put his hand on Rachel’s knee.

     

                        LAMONT

    You my friend, but you is pathetic, and if you ain’t gonna eat that sandwich…

     

                        CASEY

    Take it.

     

                        MISSY

    I can’t talk to Lamont, and you’re worthless right now. I’ll see you two in sexy-ed.

     

                        LAMONT

    (checking Missy out)

    Yeah, that’s right girl.

     

                        CASEY

    Yep!

     

                        LAMONT

    Why ain’t you ever tried ta hit that?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, Brian’s been asking me the same question.

     

                        LAMONT

    Well?

     

                        CASEY

    There’s nothing wrong with Missy, but I can’t get over Rachel.

     

                        LAMONT

    A little bit o that sho might help.



    INT. SEXUAL EDUCATION CLASSROOM - AFTER LUNCH

     

    MR. COOPER, a buff coach wanna-be white guy, is erasing the “y” that was added to “Sex Ed” on the chalkboard.

     

    1.             COOPER

    I don’t know who decided to add this “y,” but contrary to what one of you might think, this is not sexy ed, but rather sexual education, according to the nuns at least. I know that this is your fourth year of learning about yourselves in this class. Well, except for Peterson, it’s your fifth. Anyway, I know that you’re much more mature now, but you probably still have some questions and concerns about sexual reproduction and how it affects you. The state has mandated that we have at least one day of sex ed per year, but the nuns feel that you should not be thinking about sex until you’re good and married. I’m now going to pass out a few brochures for you to look over, and I will also be passing around an anonymous question box, in which you should insert any questions you might have about sex. No questions; all right.

     

    The box and brochures circulate. Most of the kids seem a bit uncomfortable. Some time passes, and then Mr. Cooper begins to read from the question box.

     

    1.             COOPER

    Now that you’ve had some time, I’d like to answer your questions about sex. Let’s take a look…

    [grabs paper] “Should I use my…” Uh, we’re not going to answer that one.

    [next paper] Let’s try another… no wait, not that one either.

    [next paper] I’m not even familiar with that style. Actually, I better read over a few of these before we discuss them further… Casey, you didn’t need to sign this one… No, it won’t make you go blind…

    [next paper] Ah, here’s a legitimate one. “How long does an orgasm last?” Approximately seven seconds. [kids sorta nod]

    [next paper] No, I don’t think ingrown nipples are normal. You should consult your physician [ponders] immediately.

    [next paper] I think we have time for one more question… “What is a queef or is it quoif;” is it French? I don’t know what this is. But by the way you are starting to giggle, I think some of you might know what it is.

     

                        PETERSON V.O.

    It’s a type of fart!

     

    1.             COOPER

    Great Caesar’s Ghost! Peterson, after class!

     

    The bell rings and Mr. Cooper wipes his brow.

     

    EXT. BRIAN’S ALLEY BEHIND HIS HOUSE — DAY

     

    Casey, Brian, Jeff, and Lamont are playing some two-on-two basketball. Jeff and Casey versus Brian and Lamont. Jeff hits a shot before they talk.

     

                        JEFF

    Fifteen; we win again.



                        LAMONT

    Let’s run that back once more.

     

                        BRIAN

    Why do I have to keep playing with Lamont? That’s five in a row.   

     

                        JEFF

    We shot for teams fair and square.

     

                        LAMONT

    This hoop ain’t regulation!

     

                        BRIAN

    Oh, I’ll call my neighbor and tell him we want parquay floors and a breakaway acrylic board.

     

                        LAMONT

    If we ain’t playin no more, let’s jus play horse.

     

                        JEFF

    I’m not playing horse.

     

    Casey grabs the ball and takes it deep.

     

                        CASEY

    If I make this shot, I’m getting back together with Rachel.

     

    Everyone groans and Casey misses the shot. Brian grabs the rebound.

     

                        BRIAN

    I’m shooting this one for Dayna.

     

                        CASEY

    Wait, gimme the ball back.

     

                        BRIAN

    Nope, you had your chance. You and Rachel are finished.

     

    Brian shoots and misses his shot.



                        LAMONT

    That jus like during the game. Now, if I make this shot, Rachel gonna be lickin…

     

                        CASEY

    NO!

     

    Lamont shoots and swooshes it. He dances around.

     

                        BRIAN

            Wow, that’s nothing like during the game.

     

                        CASEY

    (to Lamont)

    You didn’t mean that.

     

                        LAMONT

    Aw, no. I don’t want that low-pro ho.

     

                        JEFF

    If I make this, I got an A on my algebra test today.

     

    Jeff makes his shot and is all happy.

     

                        JEFF

    Yesss! I got an A.

     

                        BRIAN

    That is so weak. You can’t shoot for test grades!

     

                        LAMONT

    I hope you failed.

     

                        CASEY

    (to Brian)

    So, we’re getting together for your birthday this Friday night?

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, my dad said I could have a few friends stay over. No black kids, though.

     

                        LAMONT

    What?

     

                        BRIAN

    I’m just kiddin, Lamont. You’re not black.

     

                        LAMONT

    Shut up! So what we gonna do at this party?



                        BRIAN

    I put Casey in charge of entertainment.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m working on lining up some beverages and a skin movie from Billy’s parents’ private erection collection.

     

                        LAMONT

    Sounds good.

     

                        JEFF

    I don’t think my parents would approve of that itinerary.

     

                        LAMONT

    I-whaterary? You just tell yo parents you stayin at a friend house, playin some video games, watching some movies, and eatin some birfday cake.

     

                        BRIAN

    I sure hope my parents get me an ice cream cake. I love those.

     

    Everyone agrees on the tastiness of ice cream cakes.



    INT. CASEY’S SCHOOL GYM — AFTERNOON

     

    The school is having an assembly and a professional ATHLETE is addressing the student body. He’s tall and black.

     

                        ATHLETE

    So the moral of the story is, if you get caught, you gonna do community service. Are there any questions? No? Well, if there ain’t no questions, then thank you for your time…[pauses to think] Stay in school.

     

    Athlete points and clicks at the crowd, then raises his hands in the air as flash bulbs go off. Some half-hearted clapping follows.

     

                        LAMONT

    You know, that my second cousin cousin uncle.

     

                        CASEY

    No it’s not. Hey Billy, you got the video?

     

                        BILLY

    Yeah, I’ll meet you after school.

     

    The athlete is making his way off stage as the crowd begins to chant “Dunk the ball!” repeatedly. Someone rolls him a small playground ball, which he dunks easily, even in Allen Edmunds loafers. The crowd cheers, but is not completely satisfied, and they chant for more. The athlete, however, waives a “get outta here” waive and walks out.



    EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND — AFTERNOON

     

    Casey, Lamont, and Billy are meeting after school.

     

                        CASEY

    You got the goods, Billy?

     

                        BILLY

    Yeah, this is some primo stuff, men. You better make sure I get it back. It’s from my mom’s private stash.

     

                        CASEY

    Cool, what’s on it?

     

                        BILLY

    This one’s brand new; I haven’t seen it yet. But I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.

     

    Billy’s mom, a total fox, rolls up and honks her horn.

     

                        BILLY’S MOM

    Come on Billy, let’s go. Hey, Billy’s friends!

     

                        LAMONT

    Dollar Bill’s moms is looking fine yo!

     

                        CASEY

    Mmm, your mom is pretty foxy.

     

                        LAMONT

    Can I get me a ride home?

     

    Lamont makes a sexual gesture.



                        BILLY

    Screw you two; I gotta go.



    EXT. PAPER ROUTE — LATE AFTERNOON

     

    Mrs. Addelmann is driving slowly down the middle of the road in her motorized scooter with groceries in the back. A Premium SUV with spinners is driving right behind her, beeping. Casey and Brian are on the route, and they run out to the road when they see Mrs. Addelmann.

     

                        BRIAN

    Mrs. Addelmann, you’re driving down the middle of the road!

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    I bought a pineapple!

     

                        BRIAN

    That’s great, Mrs. A. Hurry on over to the driveway now.

     

    Brian and Casey direct her to the driveway. She dismounts as she gets to her door, though forgetting to take the scooter out of gear, which collides gently into her garage.

     

    The Premium SUV pulls up next to Brian and Casey. The window rolls down and country music is playing. The athlete is behind the wheel.

     

                        ATHLETE

    Man, I’ve been driving around for two hours. How do you get out of this town? I’ve been stuck behind that crazy old lady for three blocks! There ain’t nowhere to turn!

     

                        CASEY

    All right! You’re gonna wanna drive two blocks thataway and then make a right. There’s a gas station there, and they can give you directions to the highway.

     

                        ATHLETE

    OK, two blocks and to your right. I gotcha.

     

                        CASEY

    Oh yeah, I just wanted to tell you, your speech today was great.

     

                        ATHLETE

    Yeah, OK, thanks a lot. You guys are all right. You want some Swedish Fish?

     

    The athlete gives Casey a big handful of candy.

     

                        ATHLETE

    Bye now.

     

    Window goes up. Short pause. Window comes back down.

     

                        ATHLETE

    Stay in school!

     

    The Premium SUV drives away. Casey and Brian enjoy their treats.





    EXT. PAPER STATION - AFTER ROUTE, AFTERNOON

     

    Casey and Brian are waiting by Chris’s car. Chris comes out, silent as a cat, and heads to his trunk. The trunk has lawn ornaments, two flat spare tires, a bong, and a lawn chair, and a twelve pack of cheap beer, Harold’s Premium.

     

                        CHRIS

    That’ll be twenty, boys.

     

                        CASEY

    Twenty dollars, for Harold’s Premium?

     

                        CHRIS

    If you don’t like the prices, you can take your business elsewhere.

     

                        CASEY

    All I got is ten.

     

                        BRIAN

    The three of you guys couldn’t muster more than ten damn dollars!

     

                        CASEY

    (to Brian)

    Can I get a little help or what?

     

                        BRIAN

    There goes some of my birthday money for Harold’s Premium.

     

                        CASEY

    Your grandma would want you to buy Harold’s.

     

                        BRIAN

    No, my grandma would want me to mow her lawn.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m sure she would.

     

                        CHRIS

    I wouldn’t mow any grandma’s lawn for all the Harold’s Premium in the world!

     

                        BRIAN

    Aw man, that’s sick!

     

                        CHRIS

    Are you two gonna pony up the dough or am I gonna drink this beer myself?

     

    Brian ponies up enough dough, and they pay Chris.

     

                        CHRIS

    Is this beer for the two of you?

     

                        CASEY

    No, it’s for four of us.

     

                        CHRIS

    You guys are hardcore. Are you sure you don’t want to have some real fun?

     

    Chris pulls out a bag of weed, AKA marijuana.

     

                        BRIAN

    No, that’s all right.

     

                        CASEY

    We’ll stick with the Harold’s.

     

                        CHRIS

    Suit yourselves! Oh yeah, I just wanted to remind you that Operation Pink Floyd Rules is still on.

     

                        CASEY

    What?

     

                        CHRIS

    Formerly known as Operation Get Brett.

     

                        BRIAN

    I like the new name.

     

                        CHRIS

    So you two remember what you have to do, right?

     

                        BRIAN

    Sure thing!

     

                        CHRIS

    Good, now enjoy the Harold’s Premium. And remember, Pink Floyd rules.

     

    Casey and Brian nod and scene ends.



    INTERCUT – INT. BRIAN’S BASEMENT / MISSY’S ROOM — NIGHT

     

    Casey is talking to Missy on the phone; Jeff is playing video games; Brian and Lamont are hanging out somewhere; TOM, a skinny eighth-grader, is sleeping on the couch.

     

                        LAMONT

    When this party funsta get started? Casey’s talking to that tramp from school, Jeff’s playing video games, and your friend from school is just sleeping.

     

                        BRIAN

    I’m just waiting for my parents to go to bed so we can get the beer and put the video on.

     

                        CASEY (to Missy)

    Why don’t you come over and dance for Brian; it’s his birthday.

     

                        MISSY

    Lamont thinks he’s quite a dancer. He should dance for Brian.

     

                        CASEY

    Lamont, Missy says she wants you to dance for her.

     

                        LAMONT

    I got a party in my pants for her.

     

                        CASEY

    Lamont says…

     

                        MISSY

    I heard him. So what does Brian’s friend look like?

     

                        CASEY

    Can you picture a skinny white guy with zits?

     

                        MISSY

    I can, but I won’t.

     

                        CASEY

    He’s wearing a sombrero, though.

     

                        MISSY

    Is he riding a burrow?

     

                        CASEY

    No, he’s on the couch. So, are you coming over or what? I’d like you to come over.

     

                        MISSY (hopeful)

    You would? You’d like me to come over?

     

                        CASEY

    Sure, c’mon over!

     

    Lamont grabs the other phone in the basement.

     

                        LAMONT

    Yeah, c’mon over and I can play with yo titties.

                        CASEY

    Lamont’s just kidding about that.

     

                        LAMONT

    No I’m not; seriously c’mon over here. Brian, talk to her.

     

    Lamont gives Brian the phone and Brian says nothing, but stays on the line.

     

                        MISSY

    I don’t think the party would be a very good place for me right now. Plus, I don’t really feel like sneaking out.

     

                        CASEY

    All right then, I guess I’ll talk to you later. We’re gonna drink some Harold’s Premium.

     

                        MISSY

    My grandpa drinks that stuff. Have fun, and don’t get any stupid ideas.

     

                        CASEY

    OK, goodnight.

     

    Casey and Brian hang up their phones.

     

                        CASEY

    Lamont, I almost had her over here.

     

                        LAMONT

    Just shut up and grab a Harold’s.

     

                        BRIAN

    I thought we were waiting until my parents go to bed.

     

    Casey and Lamont walk over to the basement window and grab the 12 pack out of the window well.

     

                        CASEY

    Your parents aren’t gonna hear anything anyhow. Here’s a Harold’s for ya. Jeff, you in?

     

                        JEFF

    All right, as long as I’m not operating any heavy machinery. Hey Brian, what about sleeping beauty over there?

     

                        BRIAN

    Give him a break, Jeff. He just got done having sex with both of your sisters… at once.

     

                        LAMONT

    Don’t wake his broke-ass up! That’s mo H-Dogs for us.

     

                        CASEY

    You know what we should do? Let’s race!

     

                        LAMONT

    Yeah! And loser has to… what does loser have to do?

     

                        CASEY

    Walk upstairs in his underwear.

     

                        BRIAN

    Why?

     

                        CASEY

    Why not? Ready, go!

     

    All four cans are cracked open and four minors begin chugging beer. Lamont is the last to finish.

     

                        LAMONT

    Man, I couldn’t get my can open. This ain’t right.

     

                        JEFF

    Looks like somebody couldn’t finish his H-Dog.

     

                        CASEY

    You lost fair and square.

     

                        LAMONT

    Let me check yo can. (he does) Shit!



    INT. STAIRCASE AND LIVING ROOM OF BRIAN’S HOUSE — NIGHT

     

    Lamont is creeping up the stairs in nothing but tighty-whitey underpants and bright white socks almost up to his knees. Lamont gets to the top of the stairs and the dog growls at him. Lamont continues past the doggy to walk through the living room when he encounters Brian’s dad, who is also wearing tighty-whities and white socks.

     

                        DAD

    Hey, you looking for some snacks or something?

     

                        LAMONT

    Uh, yeah.

     

                        DAD

    Chips? Candy bars?

     

                        LAMONT

    I don’t know.

     

                        DAD

    Well, follow me.

     

    Dad and Lamont walk towards kitchen.



    INT. BRIAN’S BASEMENT — NIGHT

     

    Jeff, Brian, and Casey are sitting around basement, wondering where Lamont might be.

     

                        BRIAN

    He’s been up there a while. I hope my mom didn’t catch him.

     

                        JEFF

    Maybe your sister caught him.

     

                        BRIAN

    You mean like your sister caught herpes?

     

                        TOM (rolling over)

    Strike, it was ball; safe hit.

     

                        BRIAN

    I think Tom’s either dreaming about baseball or girls.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, he sure is the life of the party.

     

    Lamont comes back downstairs.

     

                        LAMONT

    Brian. Yo pops. I don’t know. I walks up there, and we’s both in our skivvies. He look at me and say do I need some snacks, but I’s thinking no, but you need some pants. And he don’t even care there a black boy runnin round his house in his underpants.

     

                        BRIAN

    You know, he grew up on a farm.

     

                        JEFF

    Oh, that explains everything.

     

                        LAMONT

    Y’all wants some pretzels?



                        CASEY

    Ooh, are those fruit roll ups?

     

                        JEFF

    We better stay downstairs so we don’t wake Brian’s mom.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, she grew up in the city.

     

                        CASEY

    Anyone in the mood for a little hardcore action?

     

    Casey pulls out the video from Billy’s mom’s stash.

     

    Casey, Brian, Lamont, and Jeff are sitting in front of the TV with their Harold’s Premium and looks of anticipation. The video comes on…

     

                        BRIAN

    This looks kind of home-made.

     

                        LAMONT

    Yeah, ho-made. Wait a second, I’s seen that ho befo.

     

                        CASEY

    That ho picked Billy up from school this afternoon.

     

    Everyone looks surprised, except for Tom, who’s still asleep.

     

                        JEFF

    Oh my God, Billy’s mom is pleasuring herself for us!

     

                        BRIAN

    Maybe we should turn it off.

     

    The buzzing of a personal massager is heard on the video.

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, she’s got a bag of tricks up her sleeve!

     

                        BRIAN

    That’s not her sleeve!

     

                        LAMONT

    Damn, Billy’s mom be hot!

     

                        CASEY

    Who’s that?

     

                        JEFF

    Billy’s dad?

                        CASEY

    That’s not Billy’s dad!

     

                        LAMONT

    That be a naked guy wearing a motorcycle helmet.

     

                        CASEY

    Holy shit, that’s Derek Mack!

     

                        BRIAN

    Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, Billy’s mom’s gonna get it from D-Mack.

     

                        BRIAN

    No, remember who Billy’s dad was chasing?

     

                        CASEY

    Oh man, Billy’s dad knows!

     

    Lamont makes porn-like music and sound effects.

     

                        CASEY

    Mr. Starkey says orgasms only last seven seconds.

     

                        LAMONT

    Not for Billy’s mom.

     

                        JEFF

    Why’s he jumping out the window now?

     

                        CASEY

    Because that’s Billy’s angry dad.



    INT. PAPER STATION — AFTERNOON

     

    Brian, Casey, Chris, Dean, and Rick are all inside the station, doing paper station stuff.

     

                        CHRIS

    Brett’s definitely going to show, right?

     

                        BRIAN

    Oh yeah, he’ll be here.

     

                        CHRIS

    All right, I gotta make a call.

     

    Chris leaves to the back office.

     

                        CASEY

    Who do you think he’s calling?

                        BRIAN

    Beats the piss out of me, but I hope it’ll be good.

     

    Dayna enters the station.



                        CASEY

    Hey, Dayna, what’s up?

     

                        DAYNA

    I’ll tell you what’s up. I was takin a nap on the top bunk when all of a sudden my sister drags some guy in to our room and starts doing him right there. She didn’t even know I was in the room, so I had to lay there for like five minutes as they went at it like animals. And that’s why I’m late for my route.

     

                        CASEY

    Your sister sets such a good example for you, but let me ask you this: how long did her orgasm last?

     

                        DAYNA

    Well I figure about seven seconds, but she faked it for another twenty.

     

                        BRIAN

    Who was it this time, Pete?

     

                        DAYNA

    No, I think it was the cable guy.

     

                        CASEY

    So she got free installation, hey?

     

                        DAYNA

    Yeah, she’s such a tramp. I better get going.

     

    Stoners both nod in agreement when they hear Dayna’s assertion.

     

                        CASEY

    Actually, you might wanna wait a few minutes; something’s about to go down.

     

                        RICK

    What, is Dayna’s sister coming up here?

     

    Just as Rick is making his comment, Brett enters the station.

     

                        BRETT (confidently)

    Does anyone know who I should talk to about getting some “wholesale” audio equipment for my awesome ride?

     

                        DEAN

    Found On Road Dead!

     

                        RICK

    NO! Fixed Or Repaired Daily.

     

    Both of the stoners laugh. Chris enters as they are contemplating their jokes.

     

                        CHRIS

    Hey, hold on a second. Brett, right? I think I can help you with the goods you’re looking for. Just wait for me around back.



    EXT. PAPER STATION AROUND BACK — AFTERNOON

     

    Brett is standing next to his SUV. Lesley is sitting in the passenger seat. All the windows are up, partially because Lesley doesn’t like to mingle with the paper station crowd. Chris, Dean, Rick, Casey, Brian, and Dayna are standing around as if they’re waiting for something to happen. Derek Mack comes screeching up on Billy’s dad’s crotch rocket. He rides in next to Brett and dismounts. He pulls up his visor and an abundance of smoke billows out of the helmet, hiding his face. He flicks the cigarette next to Brett and flips the visor back down.

     

                        BRETT   

    What the hell’s your problem?

     

    Derek Mack methodically walks forward and starts to jab Brett repeatedly in the mouth. Lesley buzzes down the window.

     

                        LESLEY

    Stop it! Leave him alone! Run Brett, run!

     

    Brett, after having sustained repeated blows to the face, falls into some trash cans. He finds a broken broomstick, and staggers to his feet with it.

     

                        BRETT

    I’m gonna kill you!

     

    Derek Mack calmly adjusts his riding gloves. Brett takes one big swing and smashes one of the windows of his SUV.

     

                        BRETT

    My sport utility vehicle!

     

    Derek Mack then grabs the stick and breaks it over his knee. He punches Brett twice and then head-butts him, knocking him out.



                        RICK (mockingly)

    Oh, my sport utility vehicle!

     

                        DEAN

    Pussy!

     

    Derek Mack looks over at the SUV and walks over to the driver’s side. Lesley locks all of the doors, but D-Mack reaches in the broken window and opens the door. Lesley is nearly insane with fear as Derek whips it out as she screams. Derek proceeds to piss all over the interior of the vehicle. Some of the urine streams down the side of the ride. Lesley continues to scream throughout.

     

                        DEAN

    He just kicked his ass with a full bladder!

     

    Derek Mack screeches off on the crotch rocket, doing some sort of a trick. Brett slowly gets to his feet with a little help from the stoners.

     

                        DAYNA

    Do you think we should call somebody?

     

                        BRIAN

    Hell no!

     

                        RICK

    Time to get into you sport utility vehicle.



                        DEAN

    Is that leather?

     

                        LESLEY

    Oh my God, Brett, you’re bleeding!

     

                        RICK

    Drive home safely.

     

    Brett drives off.

     

                        DAYNA

    First my sister and now this! I gotta get my route done.

     

    Dayna leaves. Dean and Rick go back into the station.

     

                        CASEY

    See ya, Dayna.

     

                        CHRIS

    Ah, the sweet smell of revenge.



                        BRIAN

    Smells like urine.

     

                        CHRIS

    Revenge does have a urinish odor.

     

                        BRIAN

    How did you get D-Mack up here?

     

                        CHRIS

    I’m sorry, men. I’m not authorized to disclose that information at this time.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s cool, but aren’t you worried Brett’s gonna come up here looking for you?

     

                        CHRIS

    If he knows what’s good for him, he and his sissy ass will stay away from here. I’m going to go get high in the manager’s office. I’ll see you two later.

     

    Chris leaves and only Casey and Brian are left outside. A police cruiser drives up to them and its window rolls down. Officer Bruce and O’Malley are in the vehicle.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    We’ve received reports from the old lady across the street that a fight is in progress here.

     

    Casey and Brian look up, down, and all around.

     

                        CASEY

    No fights going on here.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    What about that blood?

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    What about that glass?

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, that’s been here.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, for like three days now.



                        O’MALLEY

    Did the stoners see anything?

     

                        BRIAN

    No, they’ve been inside.

                        O’MALLEY

    Getting high, hey?

     

                        BRIAN

    I can’t honestly say.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    I don’t think these kids can say anything honestly.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    Good one, Bruce!

     

    The two officers share a hearty laugh.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    All right boys, keep your noses clean.

     

    Squad car speeds away.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE V.O.

    Oh shit, I spilled my frappuccino!

     

                        CASEY

    This must be the most unsafe town in America.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, those two suck.



    INT. CASEY’S SCHOOL GYMNASIUM — DAY

     

    Casey is in Gym class, lined up with the boys on one side of the room; girls are lined up on the other side. A cheesy old record player sits in the middle of the gym.

     

    1.             COOPER

    All right, boys, pick a partner.

     

    The boys meander over to the girls. Casey picks Missy, Keigelmussel picks Rachel, Lamont picks Lesley, etc. It becomes painfully apparent that two boys will be left because there are not enough girls to go around.

     

    1.             COOPER

    The two boys that are left’ll just have to dance together. (jokingly) You two probably wanted it that way, anyhow.

     

                        MISSY (to Casey)

    I’m sure those two don’t want to dance together.

     

                        CASEY

    Well, I don’t know about Tony, but I know Mike’s straight for sure.

     

                        MISSY

    How do you know that?

     

                        CASEY

    He has a crush on you.

     

                        MISSY

    Then why don’t you let him dance with me?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t wanna touch Tony’s bologna.

     

                        MISSY

    Looks like Rachel’s gonna touch Keigelmussel’s bologna.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, she hasn’t touched his bologna, has she?

     

                        MISSY

    Not yet, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she does, eventually.

     

    Casey looks over at Rachel and Keigelmussel. He gets upset just looking at them.

     

    1.             COOPER

    Is everybody ready?

     

                        CASEY

    Cramp! Cramp!

     

    Mr. Cooper walks over to Casey.

     

    1.             COOPER

    What’s wrong with you?



                        CASEY

    I just need to talk to you for a second.

     

    Casey and Mr. Cooper walk over to near his office.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m a little bit concerned about you allowing Keigelmussel to dance with Rachel. I think he’s trying to get her to touch his bologna.

     

    1.             COOPER

    Casey, Keigelmussel isn’t going to get Rachel to touch his bologna. The only one who’s trying to get someone to touch his bologna is Tony. And nobody wants Tony’s bologna. I’ve heard about you and Rachel, and I think you should let go. Just remember what that professional athlete said when he was here.

     

                        CASEY

    If you get caught, you get community service?

     

    1.             COOPER

    No, that part only applies to pro athletes. If you get caught, you go to jail. He also said that you should always be happy with what you got, and Missy over there is a nice girl.

     

                        CASEY

    But I thought he said to follow your dreams.

     

    1.             COOPER

    Well that’s bullshit. Just get out there and dance.

     

    Square dancing music plays as the scene changes.



    INT. CASEY’S SCHOOL HALLWAY — DAY

     

    Missy and Casey are talking.

     

                        CASEY

    So what are you doing after school?

     

                        MISSY

    Rachel and I are going to play tennis at Ament Park.

     

                        CASEY

    Would you care to play doubles?

     

                        MISSY

    I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but Rachel did say she’d like to hang out with you once in a while.

     

                        CASEY

    So there’s hope yet? What time should I be there?

     

                        MISSY

    Make it five.

     

                        CASEY

    Oh, we’ll be there.

     

                        MISSY

    You’re bringing Brian, aren’t you?

                        CASEY

     

  •  

     

                        MISSY

    Better than Lamont, anyhow.

     

    Lamont walks over to the two.

     

                        LAMONT

    Did I hear my name, sugarcakes?



    EXT. PAPER ROUTE — AFTERNOON

     

    Brian and Casey are delivering papers. The house with the Christmas decorations still has them up.

     

                        CASEY

    You got any tennis rackets, Brian?

     

                        BRIAN

    I think my parents have some really old ones in the garage. What do you need tennis rackets for?

     

                        CASEY

    You and I are playing doubles with Missy and Rachel at five.

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t like the sounds of this.

     

                        CASEY

    Your dad can give us a ride, right?

     

                        BRIAN

    I guess.

     

                        CASEY

    Is this guy ever gonna take those damn decorations down?

     

                        BRIAN

    Maybe he’s Orthodox.

     

                        CASEY

    What does that mean?

     

                        BRIAN

    Their Christmas is later.

     

                        CASEY

    Like in May?



                        BRIAN

    I don’t know, maybe.

     

                        CASEY

    You‘re just making that up. It’s not even a real religion.

     

                        BRIAN

    And Catholicism is?

     

                        CASEY

    Touché!



    INT. BRIAN’S HOUSE KITCHEN — AFTERNOON

     

    Casey and Brian are sitting at the kitchen table, seemingly waiting for something.

     

                        BRIAN

    Looks like we’re not getting a ride to Ament before five.

     

                        CASEY

    We have to get there. How long would it take to walk from here?

     

                        BRIAN

    It’s across town, and we only got ten minutes.

     

                        CASEY

    How about bikes?

     

                        BRIAN

    Got mine and my sister’s.

     

                        CASEY

    Could you ride your sister’s?

     

                        BRIAN

    You must be kidding.

     

                        CASEY

    OK, no bikes. How about Mrs. Addelmann’s scooter?

     

                        BRIAN

    We’d run out of charge.

     

                        CASEY

    I think there’s only one option left. Hasn’t your sister been taking you out driving in the parking lot at school?



                        BRIAN

    Yeah, but my sister’s at one of her boyfriends’ houses.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m not suggesting that your sister drive us; I’m suggesting you drive us.

     

                        BRIAN

    With which car?

     

                        CASEY

    I’m looking, and I see a big ghetto cruiser on that carport.  [preferably a Delta 88]

     

                        BRIAN

    Grandpa’s ghetto cruiser; no one drives that hoopty.

     

                        CASEY

    Your grandpa would want you to chase some tail with his car.

     

                        BRIAN

    I think my grandpa would want me to have a license first. But then again, he was driving without a license for the last four years of his life.

     

                        CASEY

    There you have it. Besides, I think Dayna’s going to be there.

     

                        BRIAN

    Is she really going to be there?

     

                        CASEY

    Clock’s ticking. Let’s get rolling. There’s no way we’ll get caught.

     

                        BRIAN

    You better be right.



    INT. BRIAN’S CAR — LATE AFTERNOON

     

    Brian and Casey are situating themselves for the ride. Brian adjusts the mirror, seat, and buckles his belt.

     

                        BRIAN

    Better buckle up; this thing don’t have airbags.

     

                        CASEY

    Where’s the FM switch on this radio?

                        BRIAN

    There is no FM.

     

                        CASEY

    There aren’t any good channels on AM.

     

                        BRIAN

    My grandpa always listened to OKY.

     

    Brian makes a left turn out of the alley.

     

                        CASEY

    Good left turn. I’m really impressed.

     

                        BRIAN

    Thanks; it’s hand over hand, or something.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, there’s a stop sign.

     

                        BRIAN

    Settle down and don’t be such a backseat driver.

     

                        CASEY

    I’m just trying to help.

     

                        BRIAN

    I need to concentrate.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey look, it’s Mrs. Addelmann!

     

    Mrs. Addelmann is driving down the wrong side of the road on her scooter with a tree branch in the basket. Casey honks the horn and he and the old lady exchange waves.

     

                        BRIAN

    Damn it, she’s going to tell my mom!

     

                        CASEY

    She doesn’t even know your name.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, just keep your hands off the horn, or I’m gonna turn this boat right around.

     

                        CASEY

    Fine, just get us there safely.



    EXT. PARKING LOT OF PARK — AROUND FIVE

     

    Brian drives over a speed bump a bit too quickly. He parks the car in the parking lot near the tennis courts, and the two get out to look at the damage. The muffler is loose.

     

                        CASEY

    It’s fine; don’t worry about it.



                        BRIAN

    But it’s about to fall off!

     

                        CASEY

    That’s why they put speed bumps there—for you to slow down, but you didn’t slow down. So we can sit here and cry about the muffler, or we can go and play tennis with some lovely ladies.

     

                        BRIAN

    I guess no one drives the car anyhow, but it better stay on until we get home.

     

    Casey and Brian pull out the wood rackets, put on some sweat bands, pull up their socks, and head to the courts. They find Missy and Rachel.

     

                        CASEY

    Tennis, anyone?

     

                        MISSY

    I didn’t think you we’re going to show.

     

                        CASEY

    Are you kidding? This is our normal tennis night.

     

                        MISSY

    Oh yeah, I can tell you must play regularly. What kinds of rackets are those?

     

                        CASEY

    This is a Jimmy Connors Delux Z-40.

     

                        MISSY

    Who’s Jimmy Connors?

     

                        BRIAN

    Who’s Jimmy Connors! He’s only the Tommy Hilfigger of racket design.

     

                        MISSY

    But they’re wood.

     

                        CASEY

    Let’s stick to tennis talk, baby!

     

    Rachel laughs at Casey’s wit. Brian does, too.

     

    Casey and Brian play with the two girls for a while, looking like idiots because they’re trying to hit the ball too hard.

     

                        MISSY

    Match point!

     

                        CASEY

    Try not to hit it into the net.

     

                        BRIAN

    Try not to hit it over the fence.

     

    Missy serves it to Brian and he hits the ball off of the wood racket and out of bounds.

     

                        BRIAN

    Damn you, Connors!

     

    Brian smashes his racket on the ground and into the fence post. He continues to throw his racket as Casey talks to Rachel.

     

                        RACHEL

    Boy, he really does take his tennis seriously.

     

                        BRIAN

    He pours his heart and soul into it.

     

                        RACHEL

    I’m glad you guys came, anyhow. It’s nice to play doubles for a change.

     

                        CASEY

    We should do this again real soon.

     

                        RACHEL

    Yeah, we…

     

                        MISSY

    Don’t we need to get going, Rache?

     

                        RACHEL

    Oh yeah, I’ll call my dad.

     

                        MISSY

    Great. Casey, can you go put a leash on the orangutan?

     

                        CASEY

    Brian, cool it. Hey, wait a sec, Brian and I can give you a ride. Where you two going?

     

                        RACHEL

    Why, do you have a ride on the way?



                        CASEY

    Yeah, right in the parking lot.

     

                        RACHEL

    All right.

     

                        MISSY

    What’s going on here? Did Brian’s dad wait the whole time?

     

                        CASEY

    Not exactly. Hey, Brian, you ready to go?

     

                        BRIAN

    Hell yes!

     

    Brian throws what’s left of tennis racket into the woods and heads towards the car. Casey and the girls follow behind. Brian opens the car door and gets in the driver’s seat.

     

                        CASEY

    Hop in, ladies!

     

                        MISSY

    You guys drove?

     

                        CASEY

    We do it all the time.

     

                        BRIAN

    Especially when we play tennis.

     

    Rachel gets in right away. Casey also gets in.

     

                        MISSY

    I don’t know about this. I’m not sure he should be driving when he’s so upset.

     

                        CASEY

    Aw, he’s fine.

     

                        MISSY

    It is illegal, too.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, well just get in.

     

    Missy falls to peer pressure and gets in the car.



    INT. BRIAN’S CAR — AFTERNOON

     

    Brian adjusts mirror and takes off. He hits speed bump and muffler falls off. Car becomes extra loud. Brian still seems happy.

     

                        CASEY

    Brian, I think…

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, I know.

     

                        CASEY

    Well then what are you so happy about?

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

    Brian takes a look in the mirror, and the camera shows what he is seeing—legs and tits. Car accelerates down road and becomes louder. Everyone in car must yell to speak to each other.

     

                        MISSY

    This car’s pretty loud. Don’t you think the cops might pull us over?

     

                        CASEY

    No, it’s not even that loud.

     

                        BRIAN

    So, where are we heading?

     

                        RACHEL

    Sam’s Café.

     

                        BRIAN

    Oh, I know where that is. Holy crap! Is that a cop car coming our way?

     

                        CASEY

    Quick, everybody smoke!

     

    Casey grabs Brian’s grandpa’s filterless Pall Mall-type cigarettes and passes one to each passenger.

     

                        MISSY

    Why?

     

                        CASEY

    They’ll think we’re older!

     

    They all have their cigarettes in their mouths, though not lit, because smoking is bad for you and we wouldn’t want to encourage kids to do that, though Missy does light hers, since she’s probably a sneak-smoker.




    INT. POLICE CAR — AFTERNOON

     

    The police pull up next to Brian’s car.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    That’s a loud muffler on that car.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Well, kids will be kids.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    Young looking, too.

     

                        OFFICER BRUCE

    Old enough to smoke and poke.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    Good one, Bruce.

     

    The two police laugh at their humor and drive off.



    INT. BRIAN’S CAR — AFTERNOON

     

    Brian, Casey, and Rachel all put their cigarettes back. Missy takes one last drag and tosses it out the window.  The other three all look at her, except for Brian, who looks at her legs.

     

                        MISSY

    What? I wasn’t inhaling!

     

                        CASEY

    How’d you get that lit?

     

                        BRIAN

    That was way too close!

     

    Car pulls up to a stop light and Derek Mack pulls up next to the four kids on a crotch rocket. He looks at Brian and Casey, then looks at the chicks, and then looks at Brian and Casey again, giving them a thumbs up rather than the oft-expected finger. He then does a stand-up through the red light.

     

                        RACHEL

    You guys know Derek Mack?

     

                        CASEY

    Oh yeah!

     

                        RACHEL

    He’s so mysterious.

     

                        CASEY

    He’s really down to earth, once you get to know him.

     

                        BRIAN

     

  •  

     

    Brian looks in his mirror again. He’s happy.

     

                        MISSY

    You’re full of it, Casey.

     

    Brian pulls up to Sam’s Café. Casey and the girls get out of the car. Rachel seems a bit nervous.

     

                        CASEY

    Why don’t you turn the car off?

     

                        BRIAN

    We gotta get it back to my parents’ house now.

     

                        CASEY

    That sucks! (to Rachel) I would have liked to have hung out with you a little longer.

     

                        RACHEL

    That’s OK, you should get going.

     

    Casey gets back in car and waives good bye to the ladies.

     

                        BRIAN

    Don’t look now, but I think we just dropped Rachel off for a date with Keigelmussel.

     

                        CASEY

    What!

     

    Casey looks as Rachel gives Keigelmussel a peck on the cheek.

    Casey grabs the tennis racket.

     

                        CASEY

    I need a second. Pull over.

     

    Casey gets out of the car and beats a pole with the tennis racket, swearing a lot as the muffler covers his voice.

     

                        BRIAN

    Good thing we got a whole set of those Connors Deluxes. Bet you feel better now.

     

                        CASEY

     



  •  

                        BRIAN

    Worked for me.

    Casey and Brian are in the car driving. As they drive past Jeff’s house, he drops a bag of groceries and mouths “What the fuck!” Jeff’s mom looks down at the groceries and then up at Jeff and slaps him upside the head, maybe a gorilla pimp slap.

     

    Casey and Brian continue on and drive off into the sunset.



    EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND — LATE AFTERNOON

     

    The setting is an everyday run of the mill baseball park, with bleechers, team benches, etc. Brian is the catcher. Casey is the pitcher, and they’re warming up on the side. The stands are pretty full with parents. Some guys are stretching, and the game is close to starting. CHUCK, the overweight coach comes over to talk to Casey.

     

                        CHUCK

    Brian, go play catch with Jeff. Casey, I wanna talk to you for a minute. Let’s take a little walk.

     

    They start to walk. Chuck’s arm is around Casey.

     

                        CHUCK

    How’s the arm feelin?

     

                        CASEY

    Pretty good.

     

                        CHUCK

    Are you focused? Tonight’s the big game.

     

                        CASEY

    But this team’s not really all that good.

     

                        CHUCK

    Look, that Keigelmussel’s dad’s a real ass hole, and I don’t wanna just beat this team, I wanna kill them.

     

                        CASEY

    I think we’re on the same page.

     

                        CHUCK

    That’s what I thought. I know that son of a bitch’s son stole your woman.

     

    Casey contemplates the accusation and nods.

     

                        CHUCK

    Look, you just need to forget about her. I happen to know someone who has a crush on you, and she’s no dick-tease like that Rachel.

     

    Chuck points to the girl arranging the helmets.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s your niece, Chuck.

     

                        CHUCK

    Yeah, a good looking girl, too. Not like that dog Rachel. I mean, woof woof.

     

                        CASEY

    You know Chuck, I just need to concentrate on the big game right now.

     

                        CHUCK

    Some food for thought, Casey. Someday you’ll wish you’d a let her play with the old bat and balls. Hey, Billy’s mom’s here. Was she in charge of bringing sodas?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t think so.

     

                        CHUCK

    I better go talk to her anyhow.

     

    Chuck heads towards Billy’s mom. Brian and Jeff come over to Casey.

     

                        BRIAN

    What did Chuck want?

     

                        CASEY

    I think he wants me to get with his niece.

     

                        BRIAN

    You mean the equipment manager?

     

                        JEFF

    Our bat polisher?

       

                    CASEY

    Yep, that’s the one.

     

                        BRIAN

    She’s kind of a Tomboy, but I guess she has potential.

     

                        JEFF

    Speaking of bat polishers, isn’t that Billy’s mom?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, Chuck went to hit on her.

     

    The boys stare at Billy’s mom, who’s wearing a tank top with a bare midriff.

     

                        BILLY’S MOM

    Hey boys, I better see some home runs tonight!

     

    Casey and Brian waive at her, and Jeff gives her a two-finger-digital-penetration-waive-with-tongue-wag.

     

                        BRIAN

    Look, she’s got her short skirt on tonight. I bet Billy starts at short.

     

                        JEFF

    We’ll still beat these retards. Hey, Casey, isn’t that Keigelmussel’s girlfriend and Missy over there?

     

                        BRIAN

    Oh, crap. We could sure use some of those Connors Deluxes right now.

     

                        CASEY

    Let’s don’t just beat this team, let’s kill em.

     

    Missy walks over to the three boys.

     

                        MISSY

    So, you guys drive here tonight?

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t know what you’re talking about. My dad drove here, like usual.

     

                        JEFF

    I got grounded for three days for using the F-word when I saw those two driving by my house.

     

                        MISSY

    Ooh, the f-word; you’re a rebel.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t know what either of you two are talking about. We didn’t drive anywhere.

     

                        MISSY

    Well, whatever.

     

                        CASEY

    Why don’t you tell Keigelmussel that he might be getting to second base with her, but he won’t be getting anywhere near first base off me tonight.

     

                        MISSY

    You’re such a prude!

    The game is now in progress. Casey pitches a ball and Brian catches it. Billy’s at short. Jeff’s at first, and MR. PHILLIPS, an African American man, is the umpire.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    Strike  two, on the corna!!

     

    On the next pitch, the batter hits a dribbler to short, Billy makes an error, and Casey throws his glove around, kicking some dirt.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    I recommend you go out and settle yo pitcha down!

     

    Brian calls timeout walks out to the mound.

     

                        CASEY

    Billy’s such an uncoordinated jack-ass! He ruined my perfect game.

     

                        BRIAN

    You had a perfect game going?

     

                        CASEY

    You’ve gotta be kidding me! You’ve been catching me for six innings!

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, well, you know, you’re never supposed to talk to the pitcher about a perfect game.

     

    Casey gives Brian a look of disgust.

     

                        BRIAN

    Just forget about it now. If Billy’s mom wasn’t shaking her ass for Chuck before the game, he’d be on the bench. Let’s just get this last out and win by the ten run rule. You know who’s up, right?

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, his ass ain’t getting on base. I’m gonna strike him out this time.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, it’s not like he killed it with two pop ups to Jeff.

     

    Camera pans to Jeff at first, being impatient.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    C’mon, let’s go; this ain’t no Democratic National Convention!



                        BRIAN

    Just remember Casey, this is the biggest out of your life.

     

                        CASEY

    What? No it’s not!

     

                        BRIAN

    Aww, I just wanted to say that once.

     

    Brian heads back to the plate.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    Oohee! That Billy’s mom sho is wearin a shote skirt!

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, why do you think he’s playin?

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    You know dat’s right.

     

    Casey pitches and Keigelmussel swings and misses.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    Strike one on the swing!

     

    Casey pitches another fastball.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

    Strike two, on the inside corna!

     

                        JEFF

    C’mon, one more! Give him the high hard one!

     

                        CHUCK

    Rock and fire, Casey!

     

    There’s a lot of crowd noise. Rachel’s cheering for her man. There’s a slow motion effect, maybe with some intense music. Casey throws the pitch and it hits Keigelmussel on his wrist. There is a collective gasp from the crowd as he falls to the ground in obvious pain. He rolls around a bit. MR. KEIGELMUSSEL, Keigelmussel’s dad, comes out from the opposing bench.

     

    1.             KEIGELMUSSEL

    He threw at him intentionally!

     

                        CHUCK

    Yeah, sure he threw at him on purpose. We’re only beating you and your girls by thirteen.




    1.             KEIGELMUSSEL

                        (to Casey)

    I know what’s going on. You know what, punk, Rachel doesn’t like you; she likes my son!

     

    Keigelmussel is still rolling around on the ground.

     

    1.             PHILLIPS

                        (to Brian)

    That true?

     

                        BRIAN

    1.             PHILLIPS

     

    That jives. I guess that’s why women and baseball don’t mix.

     

                        CHUCK

                    (to Mr. Keigelmussel)

    Yeah, well you had no right to cut that tree down. Over forty percent of the trunk was on my property!

     

    1.             KEIGELMUSSEL

    Well, you weren’t cleaning over forty percent of those damn crabapples every fall, and they ruined the blade on my new mower.

     

                        CHUCK

    If you don’t clean them, the squirrels will eat them; problem solved!

     

    1.             KEIGELMUSSEL

    Yeah, I want squirrels in my yard, Chuck!

     

                        CHUCK

    You got a 200 pound squirrel running around your house and I believe her name is Becky.

     

    1.             KEIGELMUSSEL

    That’s it! I’m coming over there to kick your ass!

     

                        CHUCK

    I’d like to see you try, tree killer!



    EXT. BRIAN’S PAPER ROUTE — AFTERNOON

     

    Casey and Brian are delivering papers as usual on the route.

     

                        BRIAN

    I never knew Chuck lived next door to the Keigelmussels.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, too bad for Chuck.

     

                        BRIAN

    Is it even possible for them to remain neighbors now that they’ve both got restraining orders?

     

                        CASEY

    Ah, one of the mysteries of life.

     

                        BRIAN

    Not that I care, but how’s Keigelmussel?

     

                        CASEY

    His left hand was in a cast today at school, but I didn’t ask him how it happened.

     

                        BRIAN

    Yeah, I’m sure he slipped in the shower after the game.

     

                        CASEY

    Rachel called me.



                        BRIAN

    Rachel did what? Did she yell at you?

     

                        CASEY

    Not exactly. I think she sorta thinks I did it for her.

     

                        BRIAN

    But you didn’t, though, did you?

     

                        CASEY

    No, but I think chicks dig guys that will kill for them.

     

                        BRIAN

    I think you mean die.

     

                        CASEY

    I wouldn’t do that!

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, what did she call you for?

     

                        CASEY

    Said she just wanted to talk.



                        BRIAN

    Is this going anywhere? Are you two getting back together?

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t know, but I might be able to get her to go to the graduation dance with me.

     

                        BRIAN

    I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.

     

                        CASEY

    Why?

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, I just think you’re playing with fire here.

     

    Casey nods in thought. At this point, Mrs. Addelmann’s oven blows out the front of her house. Casey and Brian dive to the ground as the oven flies past them. Mrs. Addelmann emerges out of the smoke, riding her scooter down the ramp in front of the house.

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    Warren, someone stole my oven!

     

    Casey and Brian stand up.

     

                        BRIAN

    Hey, Mrs. Addelmann, are you all right?

     

    1.             ADDELMANN

    Lasagna!

     

                        CASEY

    I think she’s fine.

     

    Sirens are heard as Casey says this.

     

    The police show up in front of Mrs. Addelmann’s house. Casey and Brian are standing near the road, wearing police-issued blankets.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    So it appears the oven was propelled through the front of the house and into a vehicle 80 feet away. You boys see anything?

     

                        CASEY

    No, sir.

     

                        BRIAN

    We were just delivering the papers.

     

                        BRUCE

    So you boys were right here, and you didn’t see a flaming oven fly right out of the house?

     

                        CASEY

     

  •  

     

                        BRUCE

    Do you two think we can rule out foul play?

     

                        BRIAN

    I think so.

     

                        BRUCE

    The owner is insisting that the oven was stolen. Can either of you two “witnesses” corroborate that?

     

                        CASEY

    If by stolen you mean blown out of her house…

     

                        O’MALLEY

    So now you’re saying you did see something?

     

                        CASEY

    I’m just making an assumption.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    You hear that, Bruce? These two are busy making assumptions.

     

                        BRUCE

    Leave the assumptions to the professionals.

     

                        BRIAN

    Shouldn’t you two be dusting the oven for prints or something?

     

                        BRUCE

    Go peddle your papers, punks.

     

    Casey and Brian walk away with papers.

     

                        O’MALLEY

    Good one, Bruce. Hey, should we be dusting that oven for prints?

     

                        BRUCE

    Just get the old lady and let’s go. Wait, where’d she go?



    INT. CASEY’S CHURCH — SATURDAY AFTERNOON

     

    The eighth grade is sitting in front of the church. Other students and parents are behind them for graduation. Casey sits near Lamont, Billy, and Peterson. Mr. Starkey is addressing the crowd.

     

    1.             STARKEY

    …and now let’s hear a few words from your student council president, Lesley Cameron.

     

    Lesley approaches the altar and grabs a lectern. Members of her class make shit noises in reference to her diarrhea incident. She is now obviously nervous. The teachers stand up and look until the noises stop.

     

                        LESLEY

    Thank you Mr. Starkey. Fellow students, teachers, administrators, office staff, custodians, parents, grandparents, other family, non-traditional relations, friends, and guests: it seems like just yesterday my parents were dropping me off for my first day of kindergarten. I hadn’t the slightest idea of what was to come.

     

    In the crowd, as Lesley continues, notes and a picture are being passed around. The speech continues, though nearly inaudible.

     

                        LESLEY

    …and there was the time when I ate the glue… Us cheerleaders had the best time always loving each other no matter what… Even if I cried in gym one time, it was still my second favorite class… when I invited a few of the girls over for a sleepover…

     

    Casey is busy staring at Rachel and her cleavage-showing dress most of the time. Casey gets the note when Lamont elbows him and shows him a drawing. The drawing is that of two dogs having sex in the missionary position. The top reads “Human Style.” Casey laughs.

     

                        CASEY

    Peterson?

     

                        LAMONT

    You know it!

     

                        CASEY

    Is he even graduating?

     

                        LAMONT

    Not this year.

     

                        CASEY

    It’s nice they invited him. Wrap it up Lesley.

     

                        LESLEY

    …and now as we look back on the past, we must also accept our roles as citizens of this nation’s future. So hop on a rainbow and ride it to your dreams. Thank you.

     

                        LAMONT

    Hop on a rainbow? What the hell do that mean? She trippin!

     

                        CASEY

    The only thing she’s hoppin on and riding ain’t no rainbow.



    INT. CHURCH BASEMENT — DAY

     

    The basement is set up for a reception. Some collages and pictures adorn the walls, and steel chairs are set up for people to sit on. There’s some picture-taking going on. Lamont has some cake frosting on his face for the picture.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s enough now, mom. Just let me hang out with my friends.

     

                        MISSY

    Hey, Lamont, you got some frosting on your face right here.

     

    Missy shows on her face where it is on his face.

     

                        LAMONT

    Aw, that’s awright. Why don’t you come on over here and lick it off and get this party started!

     

                        MISSY

    It just doesn’t end.

     

                        LAMONT

    Oooh, them’s some cupcakes over there! I gotsta hook myself up with some cakes!

     

    Lamont takes off for the cupcakes.

     

                        CASEY

    So, Missy, your parents throwing a party for you this afternoon?

     

                        MISSY

    Yeah, my whole family’s coming over—pretty lame.

     

                        CASEY

    I know what you’re saying… I gotta watch my free loading relatives eat my party sub. So, what time you getting to the dance?

     

                        MISSY

    Fashionably late. I’m bringing my cousin with me.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s cool. I’ve never met him, have I?

     

                        MISSY

    No, her name’s Kirsten. She’s gonna be moving to town over the summer, so I figured I’d introduce her to some of my friends.

     

                        CASEY

    Well, I’m bringing Brian. Maybe she’ll dance with him.

     

                        MISSY

    You can dance with Brian. He’s your date. I could save one dance for you, though.

     

                        CASEY

    That makes at least one girl that will dance with me.

     

                        MISSY

                        (frustrated)

     

  •  

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, I just can’t believe she’s going to the dance with Keigelmussel. We talked on the phone a few times, but nothing came of it. I mean, have you seen him play baseball?

     

                        MISSY

    Yes, I was at the game when you threw at him.

     

                        CASEY

    That’s right; you and Rachel were there.

     

                        MISSY

    Besides that, you pitched a really great game.

     

                        CASEY

    Thanks. Those guys suck, though. You should come to a few more games this year.

     

                        MISSY

    Maybe I will, if you want.

     

                        LAMONT

    Yo Casey, you gotta get over here before all them cakes is gone; and these brownies got fudge!



                        CASEY

    Well, I better get going. I gotta hop on my rainbow and follow my dreams.

     

                        MISSY

    See you tonight.



    EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT — NIGHT

     

    Casey and Brian are heading towards the church. Both semi-dressy, but not to the hilt.



                        BRIAN

    I think I’m really going to do it this time.

     

                        CASEY

    Do what?

     

                        BRIAN

    I think I’ll ask Dayna to dance.

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, this could be your last chance.

     

                        BRIAN

    Good point. I’ll definitely do it.

     

                        CASEY

    Well, why don’t you go ahead right now.

     

    Casey points to Dayna, who is standing in front of the church.

     

                        BRIAN

                        (to self)

    I can do this.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey Dayna, looking forward to the dance?

     

                        DAYNA

    I’m not going to the dance.

     

                        BRIAN

    What are you doing here then?

     

                        DAYNA

    I had to have my parents believe I was somewhere.

     

                        BRIAN

    Well, the dance is somewhere, and I was sorta…

     

    The roar of a crotch-rocket cuts Brian off and Dayna’s face lights up as Derek Mack rides up to her.

     

                        DAYNA

    See you guys later.

     

    He revs the engine and she gets on the back of the bike. They take off as Brian and Casey look on in disbelief.

     

                    BRIAN

    Man, here we go again. Another night of learning about Catholicism!

     

                    CASEY

    Cheer up, buddy. We both knew she’d end up like her sister eventually.

     

                    BRIAN

    But I wanted to be the guy that got her to end up like her sister.

     

                    CASEY

    Maybe Missy’s cousin’ll be hot and you can lead her astray.

     

                    BRIAN

    It doesn’t really matter.

     

    Keigelmussel and Rachel walk by, and Casey sort of has a moment. She seems to be leading him on with her eyes. Casey is now also upset.

     

                    CASEY

    I guess you’re right. What are we doing here? You wanna just go home and play video games?

     

                        BRIAN

    Sounds fine to me.

     

    Casey and Brian turn and start walking home, but Lamont emerges from the horizon on his low rider bicycle. He sees them.

     

                        LAMONT

    Where you two headin? Dance is that way, fools.

     

                        CASEY

    We’re going home to play video games.

     

                        LAMONT

    Oh, hell no!

     

                        BRIAN

    Dayna just left with D-Mack on his crotch-rocket.

     

                        CASEY

    And Rachel ain’t even gonna dance with me.

     

    Lamont plays a little violin.

     

                        LAMONT

    You know what this is?

     

                    CASEY

    Of course we do.

     

                        LAMONT

    Awright fine, would you two like a little cheese wit yo whine?

     

                        CASEY

    What the hell’s wrong with you?

     

                        LAMONT

    I’s jus sayin this is it; ain’t nothing gonna be the same again, and you two’s goin out like punks!

     

                        CASEY

    Yeah, screw Keigelmussel. He’s not going to ruin a good time with all the friends I’ve made here.

     

    Casey follows Lamont. Brian also follows.

     

                        BRIAN

    OK, maybe Missy’s cousin will be hot.



    INT. CHURCH BASEMENT — NIGHT

     

    Casey, Brian, and Lamont enter the dance. Keigelmussel sees them and rushes over with a larger (by 3) group of guys, though they are mostly little guys.

     

                        KEIGELMUSSEL

    I oughta kick your ass, Casey!

     

                        CASEY

    You oughta kiss my ass!

     

                        LAMONT

                    (to Keigelmussel)

    And you oughta lick my balls.

     

                        KEIGELMUSSEL

    I got no problem with you, Lamont. This is between me and Casey.

     

                        BRIAN

    Then why’d you bring all these little pussies with you?

                        KEIGELMUSSEL

    This has nothing to do with you, either, buddy. They’re just here to make sure Casey doesn’t try anything funny.

     

                    BRIAN

    You mean like an amusing monologue, or his kicking your ass, both of which would be funny.

     

                        LAMONT

    Yo C, do a monologue.

     

                        CASEY

    Hey, Keigelmussel, anytime you wanna step outside and get your ass kicked, here I am.

     

                        KEIGELMUSSEL

    You just wait until I get this cast off my wrist. It better be all right for football camp.

     

                        CASEY

    You oughta go to baseball camp!

     

                        KEIGELMUSSEL

    I don’t need baseball camp to get on base with Rachel.

     

                        CASEY

    I could care less if you…

     

                        KEIGELMUSSEL

    Just stay away from her.

     

    Keigelmussel and his buddies turn and walk away.

     

                        LAMONT

    You shoulda kicked his broken ass!

     

                        CASEY

    You told me to do a monologue.

     

                        LAMONT

    I thought that was some ninjistic crap.

     

                        CASEY (to Brian)

    Did I just get punked?

     

                        BRIAN

    No, you didn’t get punked.

     

                        LAMONT

    It was borderline.

     

    Casey and Brian are sitting awkwardly on folding chairs. Lamont is getting down with the Twinkie Twins. Rachel enters to talk to Casey.



                        RACHEL

    Casey, I’m sorry for the way that idiot boyfriend of mine acted a little while ago. He got upset when I told him I called you after you hit him.

     

                        CASEY

    Why the hell did you call me?

     

                        RACHEL

    I guess it’s sort of like this: I still like you, Casey, and I always have. I thought we could at least stay friends for now.

     

                        CASEY

    I don’t want you for a friend. I’ve got friends. One’s dancing with fat chicks. Another’s sitting right here.

     

                        RACHEL

    Well, we did have something nice. I just want you to think about it.

     

    Rachel hands Casey her wallet sized picture and goes back to her friends. Casey looks at the front a few seconds and then turns it over.

     

                        BRIAN

    Ooh, new jerk-off material, friend. What’s it say?

     

                        CASEY

    Some shit about being friends.

     

                        RACHEL V.O.

    Casey,

    Well, it’s definitely been an interesting year – we’ve been through a lot. But hey, at least we came out as friends! HA HA, just kidding! Well, at least a little bit. I want to thank you for always cheering me up – you’re a great person. Let’s please K.I.T.

    Love ya,

    Rachel

     

    Casey sticks the picture in his pocket.

     

    Missy comes in, looking all grown up and wonderful, sort of like in those cheesy, predictable teen flicks. Casey should be noticing her and her radiant smile and tantalizing curves. Casey, however, looks right past Missy as she acknowledges him. He sees her cousin Kirsten and falls for her. Rachel is also standing just in front of the new entrants. Casey keeps his eyes set on Kirsten and he only glances at Rachel as he walks up to Missy and Kirsten. Rachel seems to have been expecting an invitation to dance. Brian follows Casey and the music drowns their conversation into the next scene.

     

    Kirsten and Casey dance happily as the music plays. Missy and Brian dance a bit less happily.

    FIN














    Eighth Grade Ends –

     

    The World Probably Doesn’t






    By Brian Jaeger & Casey Palbicki