In this excerpt from my still forthcoming novel, two recent high school graduates discuss the use of lie, lay, laid, lying, laying, lain, and more. The recent Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings reminded me that I wanted to post this to help high schoolers everywhere understand the English language better, just in case they ever have to testify before congress about their past accomplishments. I will also be very interested to find out which ads are run alongside this post.

In Los Angeles, Casey and Brian had a chance to recover from the stress of assuming that they were being sought by international agents bent on hunting them down and stealing the coins that they had yet to recover. In fact, our heroes had yet to do anything after nearly a week in LA, convincing themselves that they needed to avoid emerging from their hiding/sightseeing.


“I think it's lay low,” Casey said, speaking of Brian's saying, “Let’s lie low for a few more days.”

“Wait,” said Brian. “I'm pretty sure that in Weber's English class we learned the difference between lie and lay, and I'm also pretty sure I got an A on the quiz.”

“Yes,” admitted Casey. “As was always the case, you got an A on the quiz, but I think you lay low, like you lay down to go to bed.”

“In the past. You lay in the past.”

“No, in the bed.”

“I am lying in the bed; I will lie down tomorrow after I get laid; I lie down right now as I talk to you.” At this time, Brian lay on the bed. “A person can lay something on something else, like you could lay your sandwich on the table, but you can’t lay yourself there.”


“OK, genius, can you lay your cock on Julia's forehead?”

“Only if she lets me. But, yes, I think even if it's attached, it's still an item being laid down.”

“But then wouldn't it be, 'Yesterday, I lied in bed with Julia'?”

“It would be if you had told her you loved her as you lay beside her just to get laid, which is probably pretty accurate.”

“Not as I laid beside her last night?”

“You could have laid your cock beside her, perhaps, but, in the past, you lay or had lain beside her last night.” Brian got a look of intense concentration on his face. Whenever he was about to really delve into philosophy, he’d get that look. “Check this out: I probably had lain there for some time, thinking about whether I had been lying when I told Julia that I loved her in order to get laid when she lay next to me the previous week, especially since I don’t normally lie to anyone or lie next to anyone, and I certainly don’t lay my cock on most girls’ foreheads, though I had laid my cock on hers while she was lying on her bed, which she lied about and said never happened.”

“Bravo, Brian. I mean that in a very French way, and I think I get it now. Wait, are we laying low then or lying low? Aw, forget it. Our language is so stupid.”